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January 6, 2009

It’s On The Tip Of My Tongue

Filed under: Oklahoma,politics,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 5:58 PM
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bush_phone_upsidedown

I like Brooks & Dunn, country and western singers, they have a song on one of my CD’s and it is entitled, “Your Gonna Miss Me.” And I suppose it would be fair to say a lot of people are going to miss Shorty, when he and Laura check out and head back to Texas.  (It is fairly apparent that I will not be one of them)

I am however tiring of ABC and Charles Gibson and these homely little good-bye interviews.  This garbled crap about a “Farewell Tour” and all the other media hype.  I would rather switch over to Rosie O’Donnell’s website and watch her sit on the couch and clip her toe-nails than watch one more folksy interview of Dubya Bush.

“You are simply amazing, how do you stay on top of everything like you do Mr. President?”

“With my busy schedule and all those events, uh,uh, renaming tracts of land for the oil companies, protecting the coal companies from frivolous lawsuits, giving away large chunks of our National Forests to Plum Creek, and granting mining rights on our minerals to the Canadians, I stay busy.  I did single handily bring Wall Street to their knees earlier this year, and no one is taking steroids in baseball anymore, we are safe there.  Personally I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, I just love those tights.”

“What do you see yourself doing when you leave the White House Mr. President.”

“Laura and I have discussed that at great length, and y’know there are certain restrictions about the operation of chain saws in a residential area.  We have been mulling over part-time divorce counselor, string digital cable installer, protecting most of the free world from too much BS and starting a library on the grounds of great learning institution that will be staffed not by scholars, but governmental butt kissers, or as some call them, intellectuals.  We will uh, also try to move a basketball franchise into the area, providing that they can pass a steroid screening process, we are currently looking for someone to promote it for us, someone big, say like, Michael Jackson.”

“What do you use to keep yourself so organized Mr. President?”

“I don’t have a Palm Pilot, I would like to try one, but I am afraid I might go blind.  I am somewhat addicted to my cellphone, but strangely, it has gotten very quiet and no one is calling anymore.  We need to check on that Laura.  I have a laptop computer, but I use it exclusively for email and online gaming, Grand Theft Auto is my favorite.  I don’t write anything down.  Everything is in my head, it drives people crazy.  I know I am “supposed to use it” but everything seems to fit so well between my ears, so that is where I store all the information in the free world, those things important to Ameri-kuh.  Most of it is not all that factual to begin with, government stuff, shock n awe, Gitmo, so if you need to embellish it a little in order to clarify, well that is okay too.”

“Doesn’t this present problems Mr. President?”

“No, not really.  When I got into the house of representatives, the senate, a George Town Bar, the occasional random Carls’ Hamburger Joint, I just recreate in my mind everything — the size, the color the shape of the doors — everything.  What I do is close my eyes and walk through the entire event.  I say “We’re going to use a bowl of roses and we’re going to use a bronze bowl.  There is NO way that anyone will NOT like this.  It is such a hoot.  I learned it from Karl and Rumms-dummie, if you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull, old Texas trick.  Most people you can drag down with facts in about three days, isn’t that right Laura?  “Huh?  Hmmmmm whuts zat honey?  Must have dozed off.  Anyway Charles, all you have do is hang in there for say, four uh, or six, maybe uh, eight years and you will reach a point where 44% of the statistics are made up about 99.4% of the time.”

“Mr. President, do I understand correctly that you write down NOTHING?”

“Oh, I have one of those little day timers that was given to me when I first started out in the oil business on our first bankruptcy I think it was.  My daddy gave it to me with the start up money which we blew right away, it is hot in the oil fields of Texas in the summer time, a fella can git awfully dry out there in the Panhandle of Texas.  My day timer is a small one, kind of fits in my pocket, it is called “The Economist Wallet Diary” that one thar is a hoot, wouldn’t you agree Charles?  One time we went to Hawaii about six or seven years ago, I was in Maui, and I knew I just left it by the phone.  I was so uptight on the plane, to make a long story short, Laura and I flew back there that very minute and there it was.  That is how desperate I was for my day timer.”

“You flew all the way back to Maui to retrieve this one item Mr. President?”

“Oh yes, you can do these tings when you are on a full expense paid, first class junket, and you are not paying the tab.  The one other time I lost it was at the Orlando Flea Market down there close to that other place that got blown away in a hurricane or a tornado a few years back, I forget the name.  Anyway I called a psychic who was really good and she saw it on a ledge on a building.  Within an hour, a guy from the secret service came and he too saw it on the ledge at the post office laying there as she described it to me.  I cannot live without it, I keep my hate mail list of all the people in Dallas, all of my hopes and dreams, my many plans and schemes, all of it , is in there.”

“Do you have any regrets about leaving the public arena Mr. President.”

“Wall, uh yeah, I uh,  I am a BIG fan of government, I believe we cannot possibly have enuff government in this wonderful country, even though me and Cheney didn’t use much of it ourselves, it is good enuff for the people, then it is good enough for me.  I may write a book about it, but I am gonna buy me one of them thar spelling checker things first.  I mean, fifty percent of the world knows how to spell, homeless people are lucky cause they git to camp out each night and the other sixty-two percent are hicks who cannot read anyway.  Me and the wife are contemplating going to Europe so that we can study the great museums and see where all those forefathers came from  Y’know those guys that came over on the three ships, The Pinto, The Cordova and The Coupe De Ville.”

“So you plan on doing some traveling after leaving office Mr. President?”

“Uh yeah, we were thinking about going to visit some friends we have in the San Francisco Bay Area of California.  I like the Bay Area, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

One last thing Mr. President, “Do you have any specific goals in the coming New Year?”

“Wall, yeah, I uh, we are just going to sit back and take it easy Charles.  Fortunately all of our money was being held in trust for us, so those lousy dirty-egg-sucking dawgs in the banking industry could not get their hands on ours, we is in pretty good shape.   On the other hand Charles, you will find five more fingers.  Are you going to want this used swizzle stick, I am keeping the cherry.”

“One last question Mr. President, as I am sure you are aware of the current chaotic conditions in the Middle East and the eruption of hostilities in the Gaza Strip and Israel.  In your opinion what would it take to have World Peace.”

“Wall, uh yeah, I uh know this one, it is right here, on the tip of my tongue, I know this one ……..”

Yeah, I am really going to miss this guy.

000

bumper-sticker


November 28, 2008

Obama’s Interview

imagesThe other night during the interview with Barack Obama and his wife Michelle, I did something that is totally out of character for me.  “I watched the entire episode, from start to finish.”

Now I have to admit, when it comes to political types, I have a very low tolerance for stupidity.  And I have been known in the past to throw things at my television set, grab the remote out of the hands of other people, and change channels.

The mere sight of George Bush was enough to set me off on most days, and I thank my lucky stars for the feature on my remote that says … “Mute.”

Thankfully Bush is headed back to Texas where his most important question of the day asked of him will be “what is your zip code” at Lowe’s or Home Depot (don’t worry he will have his entourage of Secret Service to assist him).

Fully expecting to see but one more episode of Tom Cruise jumping on a couch or something like that, I was pleasantly pleased to see Mr. Obama and his wife.  So it was rather different around here the other night observing this man with the engaging smile and the propensity to “actually finish his sentences” on Barbara Walters.

Carefully I listened to what he had to say, and low and behold, a closet intellectual emerged before my very eyes.  Here is someone who actually thinks before he opens his mouth, who can skillfully address a point or an idea, and make sense.

What is this?

After eight years of down-home country wit, cutesy little folklore sayings, the occasional wink and smirk, it is refreshing to have something now that resembles a thinker in the White House.  Living in a country with a long attitude of hostility towards politicians it might not be all that smart however to illustrate early on how smart we are.  Bill Clinton deliberately played down his superior intelligence on occasion.  Bush however didn’t have that luxury, and for the most part, spurned any kind of intellectual thought that differed from his own.

Not even pretending to know the answers, I will venture this.

I find it somewhat curious that Barack is taking the “Lincoln approach” to his cabinet positions, filling them with enemies and known underachievers.  Leftovers from the Clinton administration.  Lincoln did this during his tenure and it worked for awhile, but at the end, it all came unraveled and ended up in a sorry mess.

A lot of talk about Ronald Reagan and his leadership style these days, but in most respects, he was hated and often criticized to the nineteenth degree behind his back.  Most democrats hated him with a teeth grinding fury and a lot of republicans were the same.

But it is so nice to hear genuine thought coming from a man, instead of some lame sound bite, written by some 19 year old college kid working on staff.

I don’t know if Mr. Obama has “the right stuff” or not.  If he will be able to transcend the ideology that seems to be gripping the country right now.  He may have the stamina because of his apparent youth and vigor, to beat them down, those who do not see it his way, which to me is the only way he is going to be able to pull this off.

Barbara Walters much like Andy Rooney has become an American institution.  But it is refreshing to see someone that is open minded and inquisitive in this new political role answering her questions.  Something that has been missing around here for a long, long time.

It has been an interesting week for sure.

000

November 4, 2008

Do You want fries with that.

Now here is a novel concept, your order on time, and it is right.  If your next fast-food order at the drive-through has the right food in the right bag, you may have  something surprising to thank: the bad economy.  In the past six months, Carl’s Jr.’s 478 locations in Southern California in particular have been able to recruit crew members more fluent in English, and thus are able to process drive-through orders more accurately.

“It’s a no-brainer.  Hiring people who are fluent in English has always been something we’ve wanted to do.  Now we can.”  That’s because, with layoffs on the rise – particularly in hard-hit Southern California – the chain can be more selective in hiring.

The unemployment rate in California hit 7.7% in August vs. the national rate of 6.1% – the most recent month from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. “When times are tough, people are willing to take jobs for which they’re over-qualified.”

Pay Attention Mr. Bush, you might learn something here.

Mexico agreed Monday to deport Cubans who sneak illegally through Mexican territory to reach the U.S., a step toward cutting off an increasingly violent and heavily used human trafficking route.  The agreement, signed by Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque and Mexican Foreign Secretary Patricia Espinosa, takes effect in one month. It also criticizes U.S. policy that generally allows Cubans who reach U.S. territory to stay, while turning back most caught at sea.

Cuban migrants in recent years have increasingly headed for Mexico – often to the coast near Cancun – then overland to Texas because it has become so hard to dodge the U.S. Coast Guard and reach Florida to qualify for U.S. residency.  The U.S. Border Patrol is reporting that some 42 incursions into U.S. territory since last October by THE MEXICAN ARMY.  Evidently a lot of drug cartels are experiencing problems getting their merchandise over the border, so they get their Mexican buddies in the Army to make probes into U.S. soil, thus pulling the Border Patrol away from the smuggling entry points.

Next Time Take The Train

Phoenix – The price of an all-day bus or light rail pass in the city could go from $2.50 to $4.50 under a proposal being considered by transit officials. The regional transit board, struggling with falling tax revenue and rising fuel prices, will consider the hike early next year.  That is a pretty hefty hike right there wouldn’t you say?  You ever notice they never say, “uh, how about giving us a quarter extra and if that don’t work out, we will be back?”

Nah, just go for the big bucks and get it over with.

I note that a lot of travel agencies are now offering fares around the world to wonderful, exotic locations and the post the price of the trip.  And then they add, Plus Taxes and Fuel Charges.  Which kind of irritates me, how were these people planning on us getting there in the first place?  You have to use some kind of fuel to transport folks.  Why isn’t that just included in the price of the trip.

Bad news coming out of Anchorage, Alaska.  No check in the mail.

The state’s oil wealth savings account lost nearly $10 billion in a year. Most of the state’s residents receive an annual check from this fund, based on its net income averaged over five years. The fund peaked at $40.4 billion last October and now is about $30 billion.  Looks like the governor will have to go back to shopping at Target.

Even More Alaska news, and no, this is not concerning Caribou Barbie so check your hormones at the door boys.

stevensSen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, left, leaves court on Tuesday after his corruption conviction with his lawyer, Brendan Sullivan. Stevens is now calling for a probe into the federal lawyers who prosecuted him.

I guess this comes under the “You did it to me, so I am gonna do it to you, fairness doctrine in the 49th state.”

Wait … It gets better.

A juror who vanished during Alaska Senators’ corruption trial told the judge Monday she lied about her father dying and flew to California to see horse races.

U.S. District Judge Emmet Sullivan ordered Marian Hinnant, identified as juror No. 4, to return to court to explain why she disappeared during jury deliberations. Hinnant brought a stack of handwritten notes with her to the court Monday along with public defender A.J. Kramer, and told the judge that her father hadn’t died and she was at the Breeders’ Cup in Arcadia, Calif.

She apologized for lying, and then started a long rambling story about horses, which included references to horse breeding, the Breeders’ Cup, drugs, President Ford’s son Steven and her condo in Florida being bugged.  At that point, the judge said, “I am thoroughly convinced you would not have been able to continue to deliberate,” Sullivan interrupted.

“Can I have a case of my own?” Hinnant asked. Sullivan referred her to Kramer and the federal public defender’s office, and excused her from his courtroom.

Outside the courthouse, Hinnant refused to answer questions about whether she was on medication or had been hospitalized. When asked what she thought about Stevens’ case, she said: “He didn’t do anything any of the other congressmen and senators did, so they’re all guilty.”

She then loaded up in her Ford Fiesta that she claims is powered by Oatmeal, and headed south to her home in the lower 48 that has tree’s that hum, and all the children glow in the dark.

Gonna go way out on the limb folks and say that Obammer walks away with the election today.  I could be wrong, but I just don’t feel like I am.  Why don’t war heroes win elections anymore?  Excepting George Bush Sr. it has been 48 years since a war hero won the presidency.  And it isn’t like there has been a big shortage or wars and conflicts the past 48 years, so that cannot be the reason.

So what is the problem?

Again, so many questions and so little time.  Oh well, time to gear up for 2012, I am thinking Rosie O’Donnell or Elizabeth Hassleback from The View … whadya think?

000

October 17, 2008

Say It Isn’t So Joe

A record 90 percent of voters say country is seriously off track. According to a new ABC poll, 90 percent of registered voters say the country is going in the wrong direction. Only 23 percent approve of President Bush. After the recent presidential debate someone on McSame’s bus was heard to say … “It’s 10pm, does anyone know what time it is?”

Given the global economic crisis, a record number of registered voters say the country is seriously off on the wrong track, the most since this question first was asked in 1973. At 23 percent, Bush’s job approval rating has fallen below Nixon’s lowest; it’s a point away from the lowest in 70 years of polling, set by Harry Truman in early 1952.

Bush’s disapproval, meanwhile, is at an all-time record — 73 percent. … Reflecting these economic worries, just 44 percent of Americans are confident they’ll have enough money to carry them through retirement. The other 56% are seriously worried about just making it to payday on next Tuesday.

This sure is getting tired and old at this point in the game, I mean, just elect “somebody” and get it over with.

John McSame and Obammer both promised and vowed a different kind of campaign. Yet this one has devolved into the tried and true: Destroy the enemy truth and fairness be damned.

Is this the way to lift up America during these most trying times.

Joe the Plumber = twenty references. Middle Class = True to form, zero.

McSame looked like McCranky this last go around, and unfortunately, not much was new.

One more disturbing item and then I will move on.  Doubt has been cast over the story of “Joe the plumber”, the man who unexpectedly became the star of this week’s US presidential debate. Joe Wurzelbacher, of Ohio, was thrown into the spotlight after he was used by John McCain as an example of who might suffer under Barack Obama’s tax plans.

But it now emerges he is not a licensed plumber and owes $1,200 in back taxes.

The complete article is here, including a short video interview with “our man Joe” at the end of article.  Groan. I am going to write a totally new version of history just like these bozo’s routinely offer us. I will call it Highlights in History, watch for it, coming to a webpage near you soon.

The folks from Somalia are back in the news. Requests by Muslims to pray at work in Grand Island, Nebraska and Colorado, have led to clashes with employers who say they cannot accommodate the strictly scheduled prayers.

Requests by Muslims to pray at work, have led to clashes with employers who say they cannot apease the meat cutting religious zealots.

The conflicts raise questions about religious rights on the job. Muslims say they are being discriminated against and are taking their complaints to the courts and the federal government.

Employers say the time out for prayer can burden other workers and disrupt operations.  The conflicts raise questions about religious rights on the job. Muslims are the most vocal complainers of all the religions in the united states.  This is the best part of the article, “As he voiced his complaints through a translator.”

Here is a novel idea, “if you don’t like it here, why not pack up your sorry butt and go back to the Middle East and you can pray there all you want. That is, when you are not ducking and looking for cover.”

East Brunswick, N.J., football coach Marcus Borden has filed a petition with the U.S. Supreme Court for a review of a federal appeals court ruling that prohibits him from participating in team prayer. Borden’s case began, when in 2005, he was told by school administrators not to lead his players in a team prayer.

Borden is asking the court to review an April ruling from the U.S. 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals. The appeals panel had reversed a 2006 ruling that said Borden and other public school coaches could silently bow their heads and “take a knee” with players as their teams prayed.

Down here, in the states of Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, we pray before Friday Night Football and we don’t think anything about it, but then again, we live in America, not where the rest of these folks apparently live.

Des Moines, Iowa. Operating room nurse Pauline Taylor knows her refusal to get a flu shot is based on faulty logic. But ever since she got sick after getting a shot a few years ago, she’s sworn off the vaccine. “I rarely get sick. The only thing I could narrow it down to is that I had gotten this shot,” said Taylor, who works at University Hospitals and Clinics in Iowa City.

“I know that it’s not a live virus. It just seemed pretty coincidental. Such stories frustrate me, the poor sap, who has to be handled by these so-called “health workers” who do not bother to get a shot. A surprising statistic — nearly 60% of health care workers fail to get a flu shot.

Now don’t get me wrong, nurses have worked hard to advance their profession and dispite some sexist myths do a great job. Portraying nurses as empty-headed bimbos demeans their important work and the education and skills it demands.

As I am old and somewhat bent out of shape ninety-two-point five percent of the time, I desire clean and healthy hands on my body at all times …. Aw what the hey, who am I kidding ….. I’ll take clean hands on my body at any time.

Be Nice – Play Fair – Share.

Civility lessons for the commuter. The Boston-area transit system has placed posters on 600 subway cars and 400 buses, reminding riders to pick up trash, tone it down on the phone, offer seats to those who need them, and let people off trains before getting on themselves. Officials said complaints about poor manners have increased along with rider-ship on MBTA buses and trolleys lately. It is a pretty sad state of affairs when children do not have any social mores, and the parents of the same kids, do not know how to ride politely with other commuters. Is it no small wonder when other nation’s observe us and feel that we are crude, rude and obnoxious.

Great Falls – Montana. The first turbines at a wind farm in north-central Montana are online, supplying power to customers in California. The $500 million Glacier Wind Farm is being developed by Spain-based NaturEner.

The first phase of 71 towers will be producing 106.5 megawatts of power within two weeks, a company spokesman said. Most of the wind farms in our state are owned by outside interests (foreign investment) and it appears that around the country, the trend seems to be the same, people other than the U.S. building public works/private interest for us.

Might be why they are living in robust economies, have rewarding careers and good jobs, and we are headed for the dumpster.

CLEARFIELD, Pa. A chef at a western Pennsylvania Italian restaurant ate a 15-pound burger with 5.2 pounds of toppings in 4 hours and 39 minutes. Brad Sciullo, of Uniontown, is the first person to successfully eat the huge burger at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub, said pub owner Dennis Liegey.

The burger — called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser — includes a bun, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, mild banana peppers and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard and relish. When asked what possessed him to eat a burger that big, the 5-foot-11, 180-pound Sciullo said: “I wanted to see if I could.”

“I’ve always had a heck of a capacity and I can down about two gallons of water and I can do a gallon of milk in 20-some seconds,” said Sciullo, a chef at Pasta Lorenzo’s in Uniontown. He was later spotted on the house telephone calling Joe The Plumber.

NASA has commissioned a specialist to recreate the smell of outer space – which has been described as being similar to fried steak and hot metal. The research is being conducted so astronauts can get an idea of the kinds of conditions they will experience. Once again, the prudent spending of your tax dollar for the benefit of a greater society.

Steven Pearce, a chemist and managing director of fragrance manufacturing company Omega Ingredients, has been working since August to recreate the smell – he hopes to be finished by the end of the year.

“We have a few clues as to what space smells like. First of all, there were interviews with astronauts that we were given, when they had been outside and then returned to the space station and were de-suiting and taking off their helmets, they all reported quite particular odors.”.

“For them, what comes across is a smell of fried steak, hot metal and even welding a motorcycle. NASA said he has successfully produced the smell of fried steak, but recreating the smell of hot metal has proven to be quite difficult. Perhaps a sniff of the end of the barrel of Cheney’s shotgun would do it?

Hey, feed me two Taco’s and one super-sized all bean Burrito and I will give you all the smell and space you need!

Yeah, I know gross. Don’t write me any letters, the box is full.

Have A Great Weekend.

000

The cartoon was published by the Center for American Progress” (online)

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