Creative Endeavors, The Home of BoxcarOkie.com

February 23, 2012

Show Me Your Magic

Carrie Underwood is playing on my radio this morning, “Your Sexy Eyes” and my mind is wandering.  Carrie Underwood, an Oklahoma girl by the way, is yummy.  I look upon her and I see Margo, but there will be more of that later, I digress.  Today’s offering is a little long in the tooth, but I am sure you will find it engaging or at least I hope you do.

***

Occasionally, in the early morning shank of the day, I will allow my mind to drift off to more favorable times in my life.  A period of my life for the most part (as I remember it) was carefree and pleasurable.  (Taking into consideration that the mind will trick you, those old days, that we perceive now, that were so good, weren’t actually all that great)

A time now long gone but fondly remembered.

Checking most of my cares and concerns at the door, I sometimes allow a part of me to run casually thru the start of my day and a good warm cup of coffee.  At times I will make a trip thru the Rockies on my old Harley, the wind in my face, and the pipes wracking off the walls of the deep cuts in the rock alongside the highway.  I will sit on a mountain pass in Wyoming and watch a UP Coal Train or Freight wind down thru the valley on its way to Nebraska.

From time to time I will think of that girl.  There is always that one girl in every-man’s life.

For most intents and purposes, I am the hopeless romantic,  a dreamer of unprecedented scope and depth.  Sometimes a little bit socially dysfunctional.  But being blessed at an early age with an overactive imagination, has also proven to been helpful.  I am quite adept at remembering those times when everything seemed so bountiful and it was there for the taking.  The days where the fruit of life, was ripe and ready, within my reach on the first limbs of the tree.

On some mornings I can swing the pendulum of my emotions in either direction.  This morning it is romance.  Those times when your heart leaned towards issues of affection instead of conservative worry and concern for the upside down stress filled world we all live in.

Thinking of those mornings when you looked at Margo with a longing in your heart, even though you knew that she was poisoned fruit on the tree.  Margo was the girl at the operations desk, a treat I often yearned for, but often I thought clearly was out of my reach.  Margo was a prize, she was in all respects, worthy of attention.

When you looked at her and your heart seemed to stop as if for a brief moment in time or actually skipped a beat.  Which today, much later in time would be of great concern to many of us.  Remembering that period that was a little of the good and a little of the bad.  Working day in and out, to make a living and not seeing much of a rainbow at the end.

That is about the way it was.

Each day, after receiving our assignments, we would trot out the door and go about our day.  We had to walk by Margo on the way out, she would be sitting there at the operations desk, all prim and proper, looking as if she were a fresh picked hot-house flower.  On some mornings, the fragrance that was her, would permeate the room, a refreshing pleasant change of pace.

She would sit there at the operations desk, in just a plain chiffon sort of summer dress, no bra, her nipples straining against the sheer fabric. Occasionally, now and then, a loose buttoned shirt and some well worn Levi’s.  Hand picked (all by design) I am sure, to drive a man crazy or slowly out of his mind.

Looking back on it, in a way it was kind of comical in some respects.

Watching each working hand approach the desk, some nodding their head on the way out in recognition of her presence.  From time to time a few, here and there, would stop to linger and “work their magic on her” try their line, put their hook in the water.

Married or single, it made no difference, the male of the species much like a honey worker bee, would hover around her desk and she would hold court.  I often wondered if she appreciated or scorned the unwanted advances, and I guess I will never know?

So each day, she would watch, listen and observe the practice or ritual.  In a way a for the most part, losing proposition for the average working hand.  Giving it their best, their all … Only to find that all they got in the end, was a nod of her head, or a gentle sort of smile or giggle and not much more than that.

In those days, now long past, and a long way down the proverbial path, I have to admit, “I did not have much of a line for Margo.”  Just was not all that smooth, a player as the younger generation would describe it, was not to be found in my make up in any shape form or manner.  The best I could muster up as I remember was “How you doin?” and a brief smile.

Pretty lame, certainly not sexy.

On some days, I would stop and watch the testosterone circus unfold, and I would arrange my orders over at the small desk in the corner, sip on a small white styrofoam cup of coffee, stirred with a plastic spoon and loaded with way too much sugar.  And Margo would catch me, snatching a quick glance her way, checking her out and she would smile.  Those were the times when I would think about some day, maybe, just maybe, she would lean over, give me a brief peek down her loosely buttoned blouse and then gently place one a salty kiss on my lips.

(Yeah I know, kind of sad, but please remember this is MY story)

Then one day, for no apparent reason that I can now remember, I found myself standing at the order desk, end of the day, arranging my orders and fixing to turn in the paperwork and preparing to call it quits.  Quite by surprise, all of a sudden, really don’t know how it transpired or came into being, I found myself in a position to make a move.

Now please remember Dear Reader, “I don’t have a LOT of moves” maybe one or two, and they are rusty and archaic by today’s standards.

Strangely I found myself diving in, like a monkey with a football, I was clumsily working MY magic on her.  Taking in the expanse of her big green eyes and leaning over a little bit, hoping to catch her scent.  I found myself fishing in unfamiliar waters.  So mustering up a little courage from somewhere deep inside, I said, “You hungry girl?”  At the same time thinking to myself “she is way out of your league chump, she won’t give you the time of day.”

And low and behold, she smiled back and said, “Why?  What do you have in mind?”

This is the part we were talking about, the part where you feel your heart skip a little bit, you feel your knees weaken, all of a sudden, it is a lot hotter in the room.  The door to her world opens just a little bit, so I take the shot.  “Oh, I was just thinking.  Maybe the Steakhouse, baked potato, glass of wine, a little conversation?” which I was hoping would sound interesting and still non-threatening.

She mulls it over in her mind a little bit and then says, “No strings, just dinner and some talk?” and I nod my head and say, “Sure.”  She replies, “How about 4:30PM-5:00PM, that okay with you?”

Bingo!

“Sure” and we quickly iron out the details.  I beat a quick retreat to my digs, a ratty little apartment some two miles away as the crow flies,  jump in the shower, do my thing … y’know, wash the stinky parts, throw on some foo-foo water, fresh shirt and head on down to the restaurant.

Dinner was nice, nothing extraordinary or rare, just a good sumptuous meal, Rib-Eye, glass of red wine and some talk.  Afterwards, I inquire as to desert, would she like some?  Which she graciously declines.  Paying the tab and dropping the tip on the table I escort her out of the restaurant.  In the dim light of the day, sunset, I walk her to her car, squeeze her hand and say, “That was nice.  Let’s do it again.”

Opening the car door, I smile and bid her good-night.

A few weeks pass, another page on the calendar falls.  Back to work, she is there as always, I smile, she nods her head, out the door and it is time to make a living.  This goes on for a week or two, the routine of the morning, the ritual, the process with which we all have to endure, in order to make our mark in this world.

Then one afternoon, I am walking by her desk, end of the day.

She calls out my name, “Hey Don, what are you up to?” and I reply, “Paying the rent girl, paying the rent.”  She laughs and then throws her head back and allows her hair do that thing that she makes it do.  I think to myself …. “That is nice.”

Then she smiles and starts to work HER magic on ME.  “You hungry sport?” and I say, “You bet, same thing, same place, as before?”  She nods her head in agreement.  I start to walk away and I again hear the soft voice call out my name, “Hey Don?”  Slowly turning around I turn back and look at her.

She leans over the counter, her beauty and scent fill my universe, ever so slowly she checks the room, insuring that it is just the two of us, and then she says …. “This time, after dinner … if you want to … We can go somewhere private like the Ramada on the South-side and I will be your desert.”  That day, my eyes were opened a little bit and in the gentle haze I found:  “Life is often good and you don’t need a lot of moves to make it all work.”

Have a great weekend, find that special someone in your life and show them your magic.

OOO

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[#1183]

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho

The dog got me up again last night.  You see, I live in the country, and in the country especially during the night time hours, we have different critters roaming about.  There is a large population of coyotes in our area, and they going about howling and making all kinds of noises late at night and often until the wee hours of the morning.

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … hour after hour …. Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Why don’t you go chase a rabbit!)Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho-barkie-barkie (Well yo mama was Lassie!)

They will bay loudly at the moon and then go “Howwwwwwwie … which in coyote language means … All Dogs suck!”  And then you have on the other hand,  a similar population of non-roving dogs who respond with  ….. Ooooooooooooooooo-Ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooo-Howwwwwwwwwie … which in dog language means …. Coyote’s are stupid and they suck!”

Bark-bark.ARRRWHoooooooooooo ….. (why don’t you get a real job, like fetching your masters’ paper!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (It’s cold out here, when is it gonna be summertime?)

Hour after hour … back n forth. 

In the meantime, I walk around the house, like some kind of underworld sleep deprived zombie, bouncing off walls and mumbling incoherently about …. where is my shotgun?  Asking myself …  Why are all these people posting pictures of their cats with bread on their head?  Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Why don’t you find a sick cow and sit underneath it) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho-barkie-barkie (You are so stupid you would eat cat food!)

I suppose the coyotes just like rubbing it in, they get to come and go as they please, but the dogs, they are tied to their dog houses and the little kibble-N-bits dishes and water-bowls.  All dressed out in their flea and tick collars and shiny ID tags around their necks.  Dogs who sit in a pile of old rubber chew toys, with the squeakers removed, are far more secure and do not howl all that much.  It is these lousy flea-bags who lie around all day long sleeping, giving all the rest of the respectable house-dogs a bad name.

So each night, I am not all that sure, which side starts it first, the symphony of the prairie begins anew.  Around the time the local news ends, our sonata of the plains’ country begins, usually around 10:30PM or about the time non-roving country living humans go to bed.

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … (Why don’t you go dig up a bone!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Why don’t you go coon a creek!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho-barkie-barkie (Well you would even fetch a green ribbon at a decent dog show!)

The bright-yellow Harvest moon breaks the eastern horizon, and quickly heads for the night time zenith in the sky ….

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … (Why don’t you go chase a car!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooobie-who (A much younger bark I note and it sez … What is a car?)

And my all time favorite, Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … (Why don’t you go chase the mailman!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Yo are so stoooopid you cannot catch a Road Runner.)

So much for moving from the city to enjoy the peace and quiet of country living.  Now if you watched the video provided and heard the painful mornful sound, you can possibly relate to a similar experience in your life. 

Now go back up, to the video, replay it … Listen carefully to the intense mournful sound of the wolf and close your eyes and think back, see if you can realte to the sound that feeling …. move slowly backwards in time, ah, there it is, April 15th last year ….. Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho

(And yes, Jon, you are right, I need to get out more)

OOO

[#1182]

February 21, 2012

Bits And Pieces

Six year old Lucy Magnum emerged from a terrible shark attack with a message of grace.  The little girl was boogie-boarding in shallow water off the North Carolina coast when a shark sank its teeth in her leg.  Her parents quickly applied pressure to the wound until emergency workers arrived, saving her leg.

After the incident she said “I hate sharks.  I like dolphins way better.”

But once her parents explained to her that the shark didn’t know that she was a human and had made a mistake, she changed her mind.  “I don’t care that the shark bit me” Lucy said to her mother, “I forgive him.”  We can always learn something new from a kid.

Ah the joys of youth.  I remember when I used to swim before wet suits, across frozen water, I had to wrap or cover myself with bacon grease, which was really scary, because I never knew if when I did reach the other shore, if there would be wolves waiting there for me.

By the way, “Do you know why a shark will not bite a Lawyer or Politician?”

Professional courtesy.

A new gold standard, after a Taiwanese city offered dog owners who clean up after their pets a new incentive … a ticket to a lottery drawing for every bag of dog poop they turned in.  The top three prizes are gold ingots worth up to $2,100.

Which got me to thinking.  How about a National Debt Free Lottery?

Here is the deal, you purchase a ticket for say, $5 with the “chance of living in America for one year TAX FREE.”  If you win (monthly drawing, 12 winners per year or 24, 36, the possibilities are endless) you receive the right to NOT pay any type of tax” for one year.  A game such as this would hold huge appeal to just about every other American and could retire the national debt in short order (perhaps in just a few short years providing we do not wish to enter the Where Is The Next War Sweepstakes our elected leader’s choose to join every now and then).

The return of the American Dream, remember you read it here first.  This is do-able a distinct possibility.

Not like recent comments of our President who said, “”Soon the sun will break through the cloud of uncertainty that hangs over our economy.”  This guy is so far out of it, they need to pump sunshine into him wherever it is that he is currently residing.

I just love these …. Bad Cop … No do-nut.

British police smashed the windows of a car to save a baby left alone inside.  The baby was actually an extremely realistic doll.  First time I ever heard about this sort of thing was at a family reunion in the mid sixties, when I was a small lad.  My uncle Harvey had one of those, but I don’t think it is was baby model?  Anyway my mother said to “not talk about it” that aunt Bernice would take care of it and not to hang around uncle Harvey … Period.

No good huh.

How about this?  A fugitive Victor Burgos taunted police on his Facebook page, posting “catch me if you can.  I’m in Brooklyn.”  Cops quickly tracked down Burgos to an apartment in Brooklyn, where he was sitting a computer with his Facebook page wide open.

Might want to adjust your privacy settings first next time.

Now here is the other end of the gene-pool not so smart file.  While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

We routinely report on folk working two jobs just to get by in these hard times.  Recently in Rockaway N.J. A Dunkin’ Donuts sex sting was launched by local authorities.  One “working girl” (nice tag huh) was arrested after she was caught selling sex along with Munchkins and coffee.  The cops were tuned into it by an anon tip where a person said they could find her offering off the menu items on the night shift.

The cops even gave it a super secret code name operation, they called it “extra sugar.”  No wait!  Don’t give up, it gets even worse.

During the six week operation (taking their time to bust the offender eh?) police sat and watched “extra sugar” proposition customers via the drive thru feature, and then later on, meet the johns in the parking lot for some curb service.  She was finally busted when she provided an undercover cop a with a list of discounted sexual services.”

No report on how many car jacking, robberies, home invasions, assaults, burglaries, or bank robberies in the SIX WEEKS it took to arrest the obviously dangerous felon.

I am going back to the plain do-nut or the Crueler, maybe a few sprinkles, but no more of the creme filled delights for me.

If you are in Germany, it might pay you to watch the words you use to insult someone.  If you for instance call someone in traffic a dumb cow, you could face a fine of up to 300 Euros.   A stupid pig will cost you up to 500 Euros.  Now there are rules for this type of misbehavior.

You stupid pig … is for instance, not allowed when conversing with law enforcement.

You cannot say this or any other unorthodox non-polite thing to a cop, if you do, it could cost you up to 2,000 Euros.  Unless you use the the more polite, formal form of “you,” in which case you only pay 200 Euros.  There are more, “bull, the stink finger (middle finger, either hand this is still optional), and the use of standard curse words also apply.”

I know that sounds ridiculous, but it true.

Now here in America, we are more civilized and everyone knows we are broke, so things are a little different, well, they are a LOT different.  You take my case for instance.  I was siting in this little mom and pop joint deep in the heart of Texas and these two guys were talking about Washington D.C. and George Bush, in  a most unfavorable way and even tho I have a Constitutional Right to remain silent I felt I had to say something… So I offered up …. “Bush is a horse’s ass!”

About that time, the more larger of the two cowboys got up, and slapped the crap out of me.  I quickly apologized and said, “I am sorry.  From the gist of the conversation I thought you were not too fond of Bush.”

He then looked at me and said, “Ah shucks.  It isn’t that, but this here is horse country pard.”

Now … that … Is priceless.

OOO

[#1179]

February 8, 2012

Sometimes This Stuff Makes Me Uncomfortable

This morning I am reading a webpage and it is about the loss of a dog.  Now that is sad, losing a pet, don’t get me wrong. The animal had some rare form of blood disease and expired.  Now here is the sick part of it.  The author of the blog said “it hit the blogging community with such force” that it would be nice if everyone reading this would send a comment to the dogs “parents” in their time of need.  (I am not making this up)  I suppose that some day, maybe soon, I will surf over to some website and there it will be ….

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.  Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

Send your condolences to the parents of the dead-dawg?  I guess it is official now, the world (or the internet) has gone completely bonkers.

As some of you already know, I am a big fan of The Big Bang Theory and I always wondered what an astrophysicist did in his spare time?  I have been relieved of that burden, they figure out neat ways to load an airplane.  They do this by computer modeling and live tests, from what I understand.  One of them has figured out a better way to load an airplane.

Instead of loading the aircraft from back to front, as many airlines do, they have discovered that this is the slowest possible way to do it.  Now instead, they say seat the families first, fill the window seats on both sides of the aircraft first, starting at the back on one side and work their way forward by even and odd rows.  This is much, much faster.

That is the good news, now here is the bad.

So far, none of the airlines are biting on the idea and he has not received one telephone call on the subject.  They seem to be wanting to keep it the way it is, crowded, cramped, never even close to on-time and leave it be.

Now if someone could just figure out how to fly my luggage to where I am (and not to Phoenix instead) and keep the kid behind me from kicking the back of my seat for four hours, I would be a happy camper indeed.

We now know what an astrophysicist does, how about an engineer?

Try this one:  There is a new way to get to school on time.  NASCAR mechanic Paul Stender reached a top speed of 320 MPH in a school bus he built with a Jet powered, 42,0000-horsepower engine.  Stender will demonstrate the bus at schools, to get students interested in engineering.

DUCK AND COVER — LOCK N LOAD

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. 

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

Need a job?

Seven of the world’s ten biggest employers are run by governments.  Want to take a guess who is #1?  (Yeah I know, not fair)  The U.S. Defense Department leads the pack, with 3.2 million employees.  Next is the Chinese Army, with 2.3 million.

It doesn’t get any better.  Our uneducated chickens are coming home to roost.

The highest segment of the unemployed in this country are the young, ages 16 to 19, hovering around 25% unemployed. The harsh reality is that even when jobs are available, many of these job applicants aren’t ready for them.

We seem to have raised a large group of almost illiterate dysfunctional high-school graduates.  This is the group who sadly are more into video gaming and jello shots, than hard work and getting ahead.

They aren’t getting hired because they often aren’t worth hiring.  Nobody wants to talk about this now because it sounds like blaming the victim,  But it is also important to not ignore this factor just because confronting it is painful.

I hear this is why Obama is running for a second term, “he doesn’t want to be out in a sorry economy such as this is and have to be looking for a job.”

CASHIN IN

Lottery sales in the United States in the last year have surged in a good luck Tsunami wave of players intending to be the lucky surfer on the million dollar wave.  Seventeen states have including Arizona, Iowa, and Pennsylvania sold record numbers of tickets in the last fiscal year.  Most of it is being laid off on the bad economy, people are just getting desperate.

One thing I have noticed here of late, is no one pays for the morning coffee or the snack with paper money any more.  Lot of folks counting out small change to pay for the items, robbed from the life savings, an old Folgers Coffee can on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

The lottery is a suckers bet, another tax on taxpayers who are really bad at math.  You cannot spend your way out of debt as Obama has found out and the rest of America is finding you can not win your way to riches … Neither work

Which reminds me of Karl.  Each and every day, almost religiously, Karl would look up at the sky and he would pine, “Oh Lord, just give me five numbers on the lottery.”  Day after day, each day a new prayer and a new request … “Just six good numbers Lord … Five and a bonus Lord … please, if you give me this, I will make sure that I tithe on the money Lord.”

And then one day it happened to Karl, just like he wished it would.  Immediately after his prayer, he heard a voice boom from the heaven’s above and it said …. “Karl, give me a break, buy a ticket.”

The first number is twenty seven, the second number is forty-eight, #3 is 16, and here is one more you do not have …. #2.

Tah-Tah, tootle-loo, I will see you.

OOO

[#1171]

February 7, 2012

AF One Is Now Invisible

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Oklahoma,politics,Uncategorized — ldsrr91 @ 7:16 am
Tags: ,

The United States Air Force – solving problems since 1947!

February 6, 2012

Show Me The Magic

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,random — ldsrr91 @ 6:27 am

Here we go, get ready, another dose of Monday Morning Magic.  Well, it isn’t really magic, just another Monday, as a matter of fact, “I do all this time.”  It has been reputed by some that I cannot live without it, but that is not true.  Things I cannot live without are:  flushing toilets, showers, fresh vegetables, halter tops, girl-on-girl porn, and this, well this is five or six, on the short list of what I cannot live without.  If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be totally without its delicious and often surprising flavor. This is one reason we all need a little Magic in our Monday’s and of course  … The weekends.

SUPER SIZED IN THE BIG APPLE: 

A really huge New Yorker, tipping in on the scales, at some 290 pounds is suing White Castle Hamburgers because he can’t fit into the burger chains seats.  He was told some two years ago, that seats would be enlarged in order to accommodate people his size.  But as they have never followed thru on the promise, the only logical thing to do was sue them.  “I just want to sit down like normal people” was his parting comment.

Well, duh.  It must be a real bummer going thru life, stepping up onto the talking scale and it sez … “Come back when you are alone.”

WATCH-LOOK-LISTEN: 

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.  Close … but no cigar.

SHORT CHANGED: 

Go on, leave the money and run.  A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a twenty-dollar bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and demanded for all the cash in the register. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, but left his $20 on the counter.

The total of cash the robber got from the drawer?

Fifteen bucks.

DISGRUNTLED IS OKAY: 

I always get a kick out of that word, disgruntled, which I believe means somewhat not satisfied or something like that?  My company sent me to “charm school” because they said I was disgruntled (charm school is a company sponsored non voluntary course on Anger Management).

There is now good news for people in dire need of attitude adjustment.  It is now ok to complain about your sorry boss or your lousy job.  A National Labor Relations Board ruled that workers can’t be fired for complaining about their jobs on Facebook and other social-networking websites, which I suppose would include WordPress.com

WE ARE SO COOL: 

The U.S.A. after an international poll by social-networking site Badoo.com found that 
Americans are the world’s “coolest nationality.”  It could be because you can swing a dead-cat in any direction and you will find someone who hates us.  Because of perceptions of widespread anti-Americanism, we sometimes forget how many people across the world consider American’s seriously cool.

This survey does not include your children or their children, I am sure their opinions would differ considerably.

FUN SPOILERS: 

This judging crap on a lot of these contests is getting totally out of hand.  Take in case, the plight of this lovely in the Miss Universe Pageant.  
She was told to stop wearing tiny skirts with nothing on underneath, because of what audiences and photographers were seeing.  I mean, “it is a beauty contest” and beauty is always in the eye of the beholder as I understand it, aint that right?

Just like this bogus garbage on Victoria’s Secret special run on CBS every year, “the sexiest night on television.”  Uh huh sure, why don’t they show the models walking away from the camera?  Listen, if the girls want to go “Commando” then I say let it happen.

You see, this all part of the magic.  The reflective mind sees the possibilities in life and searches for new meaning and ways to do things … especially when something isn’t working the way we are already going about it.  Also being a “dues paying member in good standing of the Official Dirty Old Man Club certainly doesn’t hurt matters any either.”  

NOT SO FUNNY DEPARTMENT: 

A bar in Montana is suing the local telephone directory.  Bar 3 Bar-B-Q a small restaurant chain in Montana, sued a local phone book for mistakenly listing it in the category “Animal Carcass Removal.”  The restaurant’s owner said the listing led to prank phone calls, mockery, and a decline in business.

PARTING SHOT:

Bill and Tony were business partners for some twenty odd years, and then they decided to disband, and go their separate ways.  So after a fair and equitable division of assets by both partners, they went on to other things.

After a week or so, Bill got to thinking about his lost partner Tony, and decided to send him some congratulatory flowers as a gesture of their friendship and good will.

About two hours later the telephone rang and when he answered up it was Tony clearly upset and bent out of shape.  So Bill says to him, “What is the problem, why are you so upset?” and Tony replies, “The flowers!  The flowers you idiot!

Bill is now quite confused and says to him, “Why should they upset you?  It was meant in a spirit of good will and friendship.”  “Yeah?” Tony barks back, “Flowers that read Rest In Peace, are in good will, since when?

So Bill says, “Oh no, that is not right.  I will check it out.

So he calls the florist and he gives him what for over the flowers, for five red-hot minutes he hammers this guy about the flowers.  This goes on for a little bit more and after a long drawn out butt chewing the florist sighs and then replies ….. “You think you got problems, somewhere in this town today they are preaching a funeral and the flowers are reading GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

That … boys & girls is the Magic of Monday.

OOO

[#1169]

February 5, 2012

Five Bucks A Day

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,politics,random — ldsrr91 @ 9:06 am
Tags: , ,

The wife walked into the kitchen and announced, “The mail is here … You are the big winner!”  She picks up the mail from the mail box on the road each day on her way home from work.  On some days, when the weather is agreeable, I will make the walk out there to get it, but most of the time, I leave it to her to bring it in.

The usual assortment of crap was there, I had won several hundred thousand dollars even tho’ I had never entered anything.  (While we are at it?  Does anyone miss Ed McMahon?)  The pile is on the kitchen table in no particular order.  A small assortment of free calendars and catalog’s for Made In China at greatly reduced prices if I act with great speed and haste, I could have it all … Right now!

Baby!  Have you seen the checkbook?

And then I spot it.  Hidden in the stack.  The Tax Bill.  The Tax Man Cometh yesterday, like a snake in the grass he reared up and showed me his ugly head, and I was not all that happy to see him (specifically his missive or bill).  I don’t know, but I kind of think most of us are in the same boat when it comes down to it, no one in their right mind, likes to pay taxes or get a letter from any government entity.

One thing in my life is a constant.  I have never adjusted to a lifestyle, that includes an envelope with a window on it, and there it lies on the table, in big, bold letters, “my legal name or Credit Card Name” as I often refer to it.

The only people who use all three of your names in one sentence, are your mother when you are in trouble, (Mister you just wait until YOUR father gets home!) and the credit card folks or someone who wants money from you.  Envelopes with a window on them are never a good deal.

It is a fact of life.

Opening it up I see the taxes on my home and property for the year.  $1,844.00 … This is what I owe for the privilege of living on my property in the State Of Oklahoma (namely Canadian County).  If you want to look at it from another perspective, it costs me five dollars and a nickel per day ($5.05) to live here on my little place in the sun.  My sanctuary on this big old green globe hurtling thru the dzark vastness of the universe … racing thru space and making one full orbit around the sun every 365 days.

There it is … YOU owe ME $1844.00 or $5.05 per day.  Pay Up!  If you don’t have it now, don’t worry pal, you can send in “half of it” and we will not come get your stuff or your first born male child.

Which to me, even tho the sum is paltry by most comparisons this bill rankles me.  I mean hell, I own it, this is my little spot on the planet, why should I have to pay them (you) to live here?

In a small way it is a mystery, of which, I have never really figured out.  When then you stop and consider what is in play here, you don’t really own anything in this life.  You are simply a caretaker of it all, taking care of it, so it will be in good shape when you pass it on to the next fellow coming down the line.   And while you are doing this … The government instead of paying YOU for doing a GOOD JOB charges YOU a fee to do it.

$5.05 per day charged to your account for payment to them for doing a lousy job on just about everything.  I really miss what my grandchildren refer to as the “Olden Days.”  When I walked around mostly in a gentle fog and life was good to me.  All is not lost, there is a rainbow here folks, as my dear old Grandmother used to say to me, “Look for the rainbow Donnie, every cloud has a silver lining.”  And bless her heart, nine times out of ten, she was right as rain.

So here it is for all of you that have stuck around this long.

Next year I turn sixty-five and I will get a “free driver’s lic.” for the rest of my life!  Most likely will not be able to afford gas or diesel, but it is something.  Doing some quick math, I figure that will save me about fifteen dollars cash, so that means the first two and one-half days of 2013 are already paid for.

Is this a great country or what?*

OOO

[#1168]
 
* 800 words and when I hit the spelling checker it beeped (no errors) looks like I am getting better at writing my “Internet Spam.”
 

February 3, 2012

Harold And Maude Revisited

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,random — ldsrr91 @ 7:08 am

Almost Valentine’s Day, that illegal estrogen enriched holiday for the girls (that ought to get me some mail), so I thought today, maybe something romantic in nature an “Affair Of The Heart” so to speak. 

From time to time, I will write about Harold & Maude, they are two of my favorite (made up) people in the entire world.  Harold is about 82 now, and I believe Maude on her last birthday was 79, together they are a lovely pair.  They have been married for quite a few years, they are like a pair of well worn slippers, old and comfortable.  I have written about them before on Creative Endeavors.

If you wish to read about it here is the link.  He’s Already Taken

Tuesday morning Harold received word that their friend Paula was in the hospital.  This is not the Debra Winger Paula, that worked in the cardboard factory where Richard Gerre came in and swept her off her feet and carried her away, to live happily ever after in government sponsored non-enlisted housing on the East-coast of America.  Where you have no political opinion and dogs and sailors are required to stay off the grass.

This is a different Paula.

Anywho, Harold tells Maude that they are going to go visit her and he pulls the family truckster out on the driveway to warm up as Maude finishes up with what she calls “the essentials.”  (A little bit more make up, tawdry inexpensive jewelry, a splash of cheap perfume and one more swing of the comb thru her purple hair)

They load up and head on down to Southwest Medical on the corner of Western and 44th to see Paula.  They take the elevator upstairs to her room and spend about an hour with their friend.  They discuss her medicine, her doctor, all this unnecessary spending the government seems to do and generally cover most of the bases in the game of life.

After all the hugs and goodbyes, they load up into the elevator and head for the lobby.  Upon their arrival in the lobby Harold, always the consummate gentleman that he is, looks at Maude and says, “Wait here.  I will go get the car.”  He then heads for the parking lot leaving his wife of many years standing in the lobby.

Now here is where the plot thickens.

Upon arriving home, Harold looks in vain everywhere for his beloved Maude, but she is nowhere to be found.  He looks in all the familiar places, he is now somewhat concerned.   Her bedroom is empty, she is not in the laundry-room, Dooley the family dog is out in the backyard by his doghouse.  “Well, she aint out walkin’ the mutt that is for sure” … we can scratch that one off my short list of where she might be, he thinks to himself.

Walking into the kitchen he picks up the telephone and calls his daughter in the northwest part of the city.  “Hello Cynthia, this is Daddy.  Have you seen your mother today?”  Cynthia replies, “No I haven’t Dad, why are you asking?”  So he matter of factually, goes thru it over and over in his mind and on the telephone, but it really isn’t resonating with him, he is still at a total loss as to the whereabouts of his beloved Maude.

Harold states, “Well, I just got home from the hospital and she isn’t here.  This is kind of strange.  She usually leaves me a note or something.  I will call your brother.”

He then hangs up and dials up the oldest son, well actually, the “only son” and inquires of him.  “Ronnie have you seen your mother today?”  The son replies “No” and then inquires of the father, “what is going on?

Harold tells him, “Oh, it is probably nothing.  I will get back to you later on, thanks.”  He then heads out of the kitchen towards the living-room, scratching is head and rethinking the morning, trying to make sense of the situation.

About that time, the telephone on the end table rings, he walks over and picks it up and says “Hello?”  The voice on the other end of the line says …. “Harold you old Coot, are you going to leave me standing here all day, or do I need to call a cab?”

It is his beloved bride and she is not in what most would describe as a “lovable mood.”

Pow!  Almost like a gun-shot inside his head, Harold snaps back to reality.  Suddenly remembering where it was that he had left his wife, Harold replies, “Uh no dear, I will be there shortly.

Next time I will tell you about the time Maude sat down in the WRONG BOOTH at the Steakhouse and ordered everyone within ear-shot to bring back her silverware!  In the meantime …. Here is a video a friend of mine sent me this week entitled “The Remember Song.”  It is a real hoot.

Tell someone you love ‘em …..  Have a great weekend … We will be back on Monday.

OOO

[1165]

February 2, 2012

Everything And All

Filed under: Blogging,buses,humor,Life,random — ldsrr91 @ 6:19 am

The U.S. Air Force has a fleet of infected drones, the computer virus will track every keystroke the pilot makes as it flies sensitive missions over war zones.  They keep wiping it off, and it keeps reappearing, and is proving to be a pretty nasty computer bug.  Now here is the rub.  The Air Force says that they are not sure whether the virus was introduced intentionally or accidentally.

Uh … how was that.  Did I read that right?

The Westboro Baptist Church is not having a good week after they made the statement that Steve Jobs was going to hell.  They put out the message or tweet “via Twitter for iPhone” and then later when called on it (the use of the iPhone) the church explained that “God created the iPhone” not Steve Jobs.  Here is another one while we are at it.  A Dallas Texas Baptist preacher sued the city for damage done to his foreign car that was damaged when a light pole fell on it while legally parked in that city.  The preacher filed his claim with the city council for some $1,800 in damages which was promptly declined.  Why?

The council ruled that “it was an act of God” and therefore the city was not responsible.

Bad day for a Super Hero in Seattle.  
An amateur superhero was arrested for assault after he allegedly pepper-sprayed a group of people outside a nightclub.  The self styled vigilante who goes by the name “Phoenix Jones” claims he was breaking up a fight, but Seattle police say he started the scuffle.

Phoenix Jones is one of many dues paying members of the Rain City Superhero Movement who patrol the streets of the city like comic book characters.  Police have asked the crusaders to dial 911 when they run across something illegal or unusual.  Evidently he did not receive the memo?  So, it appears that it is alright to dress up in a goofy costume and parade around one of the largest cities in the Northwest, it is the pepper-spraying of the citizens that is frowned upon.

You ever wonder which Superhero you might be?  You can take the test here.  Which Superhero am I?

Here is something else that is bugging me.  Why is it when two superhero’s are in a fight on the big screen, why is it that both of them are good fighters?  It always turns out that both of them are really good at that (fighting).  Just once, wouldn’t you like to see a fight between two superhero’s where one of them gets the complete crap kicked out of him in about eight seconds?  Especially the #1 hero, that would be cool.

From the Maybe-The-Batteries-Are-Dead Department:

When his .38 revolver failed to fire during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something which can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and pulled the trigger again.  That time, the gun worked.

So stupid, it’s brilliant:

After stopping for drinks at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the twenty mental patients he was transporting had escaped.  Not wanting to admit incompetence, the driver went on to the nearest crowded bus stop and offered a free ride to everyone waiting there.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff there that the “patients” were very excitable, and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception was not discovered for three days.

Remember this the next time you find yourself sitting on the bench, leaning forward and looking down the road for old #13 to come pick you up and cart you downtown.

OOO

 

[1165]

January 31, 2012

The Power Of Words

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,random — ldsrr91 @ 8:49 am

Here is something to stir your soul, to make you appreciate the life you have been given, it should make your day … pass it around.

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I find myself standing in the bathroom, 4:20 A.M., and thru the window I can see the Yellow Harvest Moon heading for the horizon and I think to myself, “I don’t have a thing for the webpage this morning, nothing.“  Man, I hate it when that happens.  I stumble to the kitchen, to make me another cup of ambition (as Dolly Parton would say) and the coffee filters stick together.  I twist them, I pick at them, I curse under my breath.  Loading the pot, I slink into the bedroom for a quick good morning shower and get dressed.  Some eight to ten minutes later, I head into the kitchen for my cup of Joe and discover I neglected to turn on the power … No coffee.

Man, I hate it when that happens.

I suspect it is going to be another fun day.  It is not as if there isn’t anything here to read, surely there is something.  There is always something.  This past week for instance, the most popular posts were as follows:  Top Posts (the past week):  Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  Sneak Into America(audio)  Monday Morning Mega-Meltdown Goin With The Flow  The Worry Tree  How Old Am I?  My Favorite Animal Eagle Bus Project Files   At one point, someone had been rummaging around all the way back to 2008 for one post, and it kind of gave me a charge re-reading it myself.  I had completely forgotten about writing that commentary (Skinny Dipping With Grandpa).

But that, was another day, right now, I have this one on tap to contend with.

Missing You:  Billy Raye Cyrus has a daughter named Miley (I believe), she has a new title out on the CMT network it is entitled “You are going to make me lonesome when you leave.”  Guess she is crossing over to the big time now and giving up the Disney child star status and moving on.  I don’t believe she is right, you can be lonesome as all get out, and no one leaves.  You can be living in the same house, under the same roof with a woman or a man, and still find yourself lonesome.

Music isn’t always correct in its appraisal of life.

Love Hurts:  A review released this month by University of Arizona researchers found that divorced adults are at a higher risk of an early death than married adults. The effects of a split can be as harmful to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being overweight or drinking heavily, according to the report.  One 2006 study found that middle-aged women, in particular, are at a greater risk of cardiovascular disease than married women of the same age. Cancer and mobility issues have also been linked to the after-effects of a long-term romantic separation.  If you are not buying into any of this, have you seen a recent picture of Demi Moore lately?

Grin and Bear It:  Did you know that you can actually take more pain in life, if you will just laugh it off?  Researchers at Oxford University asked volunteers to watch either a comedy or a documentary, and then applied painful levels of cold or pressure was applied to their arms.  The volunteers who had laughed hard during their videos could withstand 10 percent more pain that those who’d only giggled or who hadn’t been amused at all.  Remember that the next time you are roped into watching Dancin With The Stars or the X-Factor guys.

Bad News Is Back:  There is an old saying, “People who do not learn from their mistakes, are prone to repeat them.”  I don’t know where it came from, but it often rings true.  Americans are raking up credit card debt again.  After actually reducing debt in 2009 and adding just $9 billion new new credit card debt last year, consumers are projected to put another $54 billion on plastic this year.

The Who, What, Where, When and Why of it all:  I was recently asked by a friend of mine, why I write these daily posts. It seemed like a simple enough question, but the truth is, I was stumped. Why do I write these each day? Not for money certainly, although I continue to hold out hope. Is it a creative exercise from which I derive great pleasure? Not really. I’ve always felt that the act of writing isn’t nearly as enjoyable as the feeling that comes from “having written.”

So why do I do it? Well, after careful consideration I’ve come to believe that had I been even a moderately successful people pleaser or awkward at best a communicator of some sorts, in my formative years, I would feel little compulsion to communicate now.   This leads me to wonder, would it have been appropriate to have told the friend that I write these posts because I was incapable of expressing myself as a youngster, a situation which caused me unbearable anguish and is only now beginning to slowly fade away?

Maybe. But I didn’t.

I told him I write them because it’s fun. And this leads me to a question: if he’s questioning me about my writing, what kind of miserable childhood did he have?  What is it that he did for fun?

Or better yet, what is the definition of fun?

A woman I know, goes to the Indian Casino’s quite regularly, she told me that she “had found a slot machine that was really fun.”  So I asked her to tell me about it, she said, “Oh, I play it all the time, and it is a real hoot.”  So naturally I said, “Do you win?” and she said, “No.  I never win.  Last time I played it it took $400 from me.

Yeah, that sounds like fun to me.

Let’s say you know two good looking women, one is a waitress at a restaurant that you frequent, the other is a cashier at Lowe’s.  Both women are about the same age, height and look rather nice.  One when you meet her, she always wants to know “how your wife is doing?” and stuff like that.  The other one, when she see’s you walking up, she quickly reaches up and takes off her glasses (to make herself more attractive I suppose), she will grab your hand, give it a little squeeze and then say …  “I have not seen you in such a long time now.”  Which one do you suppose a guy would give the most attention to?

Which one do you suppose would be the most fun?

I hit the publish button and I am finished.  Slowly I get up and head for the kitchen for one more cup of Joe.  My old bones are slow to respond and I kind of have a little hitch in my giddy-up this morning.  One more is in the bag #1163 … My work is done, I am not sure if it was that much fun to tell you the truth.

I hate it when that happens.

OOO

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