The economy is so bad, that it is rumored that Exxon has laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad, we are putting hamburger helper in our hamburger helper.
It’s so bad, MasterCard sent us a pre-declined credit card with a zero limit.
If the bank returns your check marked “insufficient funds” you wonder, mine or theirs?
When you order a burger, the kid says, “Can you afford fries with that?”
It’s so bad, Motel Six is not leaving the lite on for you anymore.
CEO’s are now playing “Miniature Golf”
It’s gotten so bad overseas, that the Royal Family and the Queen Mummy are now officially cut back to just $50 million per year. Your recently issued High Mileage Explorer card has been cut back to 18 miles or a trip to Gary Indiana, whichever comes first.
On the subject of credit cards. Last month we were hit by daytime burglars and they took a substantial amount of cash, guns, and jewelry from our home. But I did not call the cops, it turns out they were spending less on the cards than my wife, so I just sort of let it go.
When did the term “Forrest Fire” change to “Wildfire.” When I was young, we had Smokey The Bear who was always saying … “Only you can prevent forest fires.”
Now any time a fire breaks out, regardless of location, the media deems it a wildfire.
The CERN Large Hadron Collider outside the tidy Swiss city are homing in on the Higgs boson, the so-called “God particle” that imparts mass to everything in the universe. It is supposed to be in the shape of a plate, full of money. Awhile back some very serious people (the folks who had their science project done on time in school) voiced concern that it might generate a black hole that could suck Switzerland and the rest of the known universe into a vortex of nonexistence.
Which is kind of silly, we all know that is the J.O.B. of the U.S. Government.
We have gotten so big that the U..S. Coast Guard has reduced the passenger capacity of U.S. Commercial vessels to reflect the growing weight of the traveling average American. The standard used to be based on a weight average of 160 lbs. per passenger, but that has been raised to 185 lbs. Most of us weigh about 235 lbs. naked and in sandals (now there is a word image for you this morning).
It was a great ride.
Three people left a bar in Steamboat Springs, Colo., mounted horses, and rode them into a Starbuck’s and Safeway. I suppose to get some more munchies. It was a great ride right up until the very end, when the cops showed up and they got tasered and arrested.
When you absolutely hit rock bottom … You get re-elected … Is this a great country or what?
Just read a new survey that says “64% of Americans rate the honesty and ethical standards of members of Congress as low or very low.” Which of course is most likely the lowest rating on record since the ancient times of Rome. Congress now rates just below telemarketers or whale poop, and we all know that is at the bottom of the ocean.
If you think this is bogus, consider this: “Hillary has blond hair” … I rest my case y’honor.
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. She tells the vet, ”I think it’s got epilepsy.”
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
Things are bad, sure. But they could get worse.
Never, ever, under any circumstances say to yourself, “Oh well, it can’t get any worse.” That is not true. One time in Las Vegas after losing a goodly sum of my cash, while standing on the corner of Las Vegas Blvd and Tropicana Ave, I muttered to myself, “Aw, it can’t get any worse.”
And sure enough, worse followed me across the street to Caesars Palace.