Now I have to admit, I saw something yesterday I never thought I would see.  I saw an ambidextrous cellphone user.  She was driving down the Interstate, weaving in and out, almost drove right over the top of her.  And when I did find a suitable amount of space to pass her, I swung out and came on around, and she gave me a look that would kill a bear and then with the cellphone still in her hand, flipped me off!

That has to be a first for me.

Ah, another wonderful trip about town in the Big City.  We are driving home yesterday from lunch at the beanery, nice lazy day, and I notice this sign located close to the road, out in front by the fence.

It reads:  Clean Dirt Wanted 525-****.

Now I think to myself, this cannot be right, dirt is by its very nature, “dirty” and how can you specifically ask for “clean” dirt?

Which in turn got me to thinking about all the stoopid stuff we are forced to endure on a daily basis in this country and of course, the people who write and publish it (like this site right here.).  I have been for sometime lifting these little nuggets of truth and as I come across items of absurdity, I file them in the file named “Absurd things and Alimony reciepts” and save them for a rainy day.

You never know when this stuff will come up on the Cocktail Circuit it pays to be ready.

All those little quirky thoughts and messages of modern day living.  Such as “legally drunk” now there is one for you.  If you are “legally” drunk, how come they are arresting you?  Just doesn’t wash.

So here for your enjoyment are just a few:

AUDITIONS:  Seeking a young man who is at least 28 but not over 28 years old. A little too specific if you ask me.

Get 50% off … or half price … whichever is less.

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, says Nike

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

What constitutes a millionaire?  A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at Ag Edwards and Sons. Now there is some bailout bonus material if I ever saw one.

A deputy responded to an report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes.

It was the mailman.

Army vehicle disappears.  An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted camouflage.

Police were called to Market Square for a report about a “suspicious coin.”  Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.

A woman in the 1900 block of 129^th lane northeast reported that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive any birthday cards from some of her friends.

Fish need water.  Feds say.

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself

County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.

Correction:  Due to incorrect information from the clerk at courts, Michelle Merchant, 38 was incorrectly listed as being arrested for prostitution on Wednesday.  The charge should have been failing to stop at a RR Crossing.  She will be the talk of Sunday School this weekend for sure.

Caskets found as workers demolish church.  “We had no idea people were buried there.”

Utah poison control center reminds everyone not to take poison.

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

Body found wrapped in chains hanging from tree … Police suspect foul play.

Crack found in Man’s buttocks.  Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks.  He was charged with possession with the intent to distribute crack cocaine, possession of drug paraphernalia, obstructing and hindering and making a false statement to police.

Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe.

Notes that intruder was the mirror in her bedroom.

WalMart:  Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trashcan.  Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.

1:33PM  A person calls the police station to inquire on “how to legally kill” a person who is harassing him.

A caller reports that someone was on a porch yelling “help!”

Officers responded and learned that person was calling a cat that is named “help.”

Man in diapers directs traffic.  Wearing only tennis shoes and a diaper, a man was arrested while directing traffic and performing martial arts in the intersection.  He was charged with public drunkenness and disorderly conduct (he was more than likely legally drunk at the time).

12:22PM a cellular caller reports a large snapping turtle on the roadway at Elm and Crescent road.  The turtle subsequently fled the area.

Airport officials report that a new silent plane will cut down on airport noise.

And the absolute best for last ….

The learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window and stares at the center for hours and is making parents nervous.  Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And you thought it was going to be a boring Tuesday.

OOO