We went fishing.
We will be taking a day off Wednesday
and be back with something for you in April.
March 31, 2009
Gone Fishin
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Whacked Out World
Now I have to admit, I saw something yesterday I never thought I would see. I saw an ambidextrous cellphone user. She was driving down the Interstate, weaving in and out, almost drove right over the top of her. And when I did find a suitable amount of space to pass her, I swung out and came on around, and she gave me a look that would kill a bear and then with the cellphone still in her hand, flipped me off!
That has to be a first for me.
Ah, another wonderful trip about town in the Big City. We are driving home yesterday from lunch at the beanery, nice lazy day, and I notice this sign located close to the road, out in front by the fence.
It reads: Clean Dirt Wanted 525-****.
Now I think to myself, this cannot be right, dirt is by its very nature, “dirty” and how can you specifically ask for “clean” dirt?
Which in turn got me to thinking about all the stoopid stuff we are forced to endure on a daily basis in this country and of course, the people who write and publish it (like this site right here.). I have been for sometime lifting these little nuggets of truth and as I come across items of absurdity, I file them in the file named “Absurd things and Alimony reciepts” and save them for a rainy day.
You never know when this stuff will come up on the Cocktail Circuit it pays to be ready.
All those little quirky thoughts and messages of modern day living. Such as “legally drunk” now there is one for you. If you are “legally” drunk, how come they are arresting you? Just doesn’t wash.
So here for your enjoyment are just a few:
AUDITIONS: Seeking a young man who is at least 28 but not over 28 years old. A little too specific if you ask me. Get 50% off … or half price … whichever is less. Tiger Woods plays with own balls, says Nike Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25 What constitutes a millionaire? A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at Ag Edwards and Sons. Now there is some bailout bonus material if I ever saw one. A deputy responded to an report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman. Army vehicle disappears. An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted camouflage. Police were called to Market Square for a report about a “suspicious coin.” Investigating officer reported it was a quarter. A woman in the 1900 block of 129th lane northeast reported that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive any birthday cards from some of her friends. Fish need water. Feds say. Alton attorney accidentally sues himself County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds. Correction: Due to incorrect information from the clerk at courts, Michelle Merchant, 38 was incorrectly listed as being arrested for prostitution on Wednesday. The charge should have been failing to stop at a RR Crossing. She will be the talk of Sunday School this weekend for sure.
Caskets found as workers demolish church. “We had no idea people were buried there.” Utah poison control center reminds everyone not to take poison. Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons. Body found wrapped in chains hanging from tree … Police suspect foul play.
Crack found in Man’s buttocks. Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks. He was charged with possession with the intent to distribute crack cocaine, possession of drug paraphernalia, obstructing and hindering and making a false statement to police. Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that intruder was the mirror in her bedroom. WalMart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trashcan. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito. 1:33PM A person calls the police station to inquire on “how to legally kill” a person who is harassing him. A caller reports that someone was on a porch yelling “help!” Officers responded and learned that person was calling a cat that is named “help.” Man in diapers directs traffic. Wearing only tennis shoes and a diaper, a man was arrested while directing traffic and performing martial arts in the intersection. He was charged with public drunkenness and disorderly conduct (he was more than likely legally drunk at the time). 12:22PM a cellular caller reports a large snapping turtle on the roadway at Elm and Crescent road. The turtle subsequently fled the area. Airport officials report that a new silent plane will cut down on airport noise.
And the absolute best for last ….
The learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window and stares at the center for hours and is making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And you thought it was going to be a boring Tuesday.
OOO
March 30, 2009
Another Mantic Interlude
This post will be “One Hundred percent A.I.G. free” and there will be no mention of Rush Limbaugh, Larry King or Jane Fonda.
Now I ask you … “Where could you get a better deal than that?”
To all my rowdy friends in the Internet world, I hope that you had a great weekend, and that things went well for you and yours. I spent the majority of mine (if anyone cares) hanging around the house and no trips to the Big Town.
Like Mama sez, “it is a lazy snow-day, go away boy, you are bothering me.”
So I just assumed a low profile and that was that. I became “Polar” as my grandson would say, which is for the uninitiated, “Beyond cool. Colder than Ice.” Spent the majority of my time trying to retrieve my email system that went south, and it only took two and one-half days to get my somewhat illiterate, un-edumaycated computer assisted dumb butt back into working order.
Bought a new laptop, I am now also into the wonderful world of Microsoft Vista and I am working on the learning curve on that. Which is okay if you are young and quick on the uptake, and we all know my answer to that, don’t we?
Unfortunately, I did manage to somehow lose most all of my email addresses of those folks who were communicating with me when I made a data transfer. So if you see this, read this, come across this on a bulletin board at the local laundry, stuck up there with a piece of plastic in the shape of a Pear or Banana, get back to me.
I am somewhat excommunicated but still online.
The weekend was not fraught without its fair share of problems. My old printer went south on me this past week, it had served me well, first purchased in November of 1998 I have no earthly idea as to how many reams of paper has gone thru this machine.
It was an HP model 722 Deskjet I believe that is what it was called. Figuring that I had such good fortune with HP then it just seemed natural to pick out another HP for the replacement.
So I trot off to China-World and I find one on the shelves for under $40 with taxes included. I pay for it bring it home and open it up and start unhooking wires and all that. Getting down like a reptile and crawling around in the dust of man, hooking and hooking in the limited space area under my desk.
First thing I find out is the thing has TWO INKERS a #22 and a #21, the #22 is there (color) but the #21 (black is not). I didn’t care for this at all, but it is not the end of the world, I go back to the store, and I purchase the errant cartridge, $13.47 plus tax.
Now I have both inkers installed, I hook up the power cord, little green lite comes on, everything is working out swimmingly. I look around for the printer cable, it turns out that this model has a USB port type printer cable, it is not there. I search the box again, it is not there. Now this … This has a profound tendency to hack me off, I look at the instruction sheet and it reads: “You may or may not have a printer cable, and might have to purchase one separately.”
Are you kidding me?
You sell a printer and it does NOT HAVE A PRINTER CABLE?
Carefully I inspect the box (which evidently every consumer in America ought to do when purchasing an American Product these days) and low and behold, there it is. “Requires USB printer cable, not included.” In somewhat smaller print than the rest of the nomenclature on the box.
I go back to China-Mart and locate the USB printer cable, $14.80 plus tax, and take a guess who manufacturer of this particular cable …. Yeppers …. you guessed it. HP.
Now here is the rub.
If I had bought a printer that was manufactured by say the Japanese, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that the machine needed in order to function would be in the box.
It would be all there, and I might even add, possibly contain a note of thanks for purchasing their new product. It would NOT be missing key items and parts needed for proper printing.
This is lousy business, no matter how you look at it. HP can kiss the part of me that goes over the fence last, I am not buying another thing from HP and I suggest the very same thing to you. Unless you just happen to be into aggravation, unwarranted frustration and haven’t any better ideas as to where to spend your time and money.
As my grandmother used to say, “always look for the rainbow.” All is not lost, there is good news in some of this. At this particular juncture in time, I fail to see it, but I know it will improve, if not naturally, then maybe I will have to “help it along.”
Now I am off to see if I can find a link for HP on the net, and I am going to send them a copy of this article and then wait for them to reply back to me and tell me it was “the Viet-Namese-Dude who packed it” he is the guy that screwed it all up.
So there you are, today’s wonderful little post-it-note from my corner of the yard. Another diatribe on America, a fine and proud country who now has unfortunately plummeted to the status of third-world-knuckle-draggin-boobs, a disorganized clump of business incompetent greed hungry dollar mongers, a country that is now where most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are, like HP, really good at it.
Printers without ink AND printer cables, what a novel idea.
A little less than honest I would say, but then again, what do I know, I am just a consumer. And the rest of the world wonders why we have to bail these American companies out?
OOO
March 27, 2009
The Great Pretender
Received three disturbing emails this week, which isn’t a record of any kind really, but never the less, I could have lived without all three of them it seems to me.
#1) Was a picture of Nancy’s breasts I took last Saturday, sent to me from their I-Phone.
#2) Was one telling me that my webpage and I personally … Sucked. To which I quickly hit “reply” and typed “thanks Mom, see you for dinner on Sunday.”
#3) Was some kind of new worm virus or computer thing supposed to hit on April 1st (how appropriate is that I ask you?)
More? Sure why not.
A Republican cure for constipation (you don’t want to know) Obama racial slur humor (4), common cures for household ailments (I mean, who gets a snakebite at home?). Modern technology on the move. A Japanese robot developer has developed a new walking, talking robot with a beautiful face (see attachment). The six figure robot can make a variety of lifelike facial expressions, and has a tiny, feminine voice. “The very first human expression they taught her was … I have a headache!” C’mon people … give me a break. Another week of Chinese water torture bamboo slivers under the fingernail e-mails.
It seems when times get bad, so does the mail.
All this week, most of the content has been of a negative nature, and that at times, gets so dog-gone tiring, downright bothersome. And predictable …. Another electronic monster is on the way to gobble up my hard drive and any unsuspecting two year old within reach of the tower. One of the downsides of the Internet is that it reveals the gullibility of humanity. It never fails to amaze me how some folks will just settle in for a good yarn and not even bother to wonder if it has any apparent validity or not.
Just take it on face value and then move on.
You open the box and there it is, oh my gosh, again it rears it’s ugly head … We have a new imposter in our midst. Who could it be? Who could it be? Now repeat after me, “Who cares? Who cares?” So we click on the item, and once again, we find ourselves with an unsolicited benefactor who tells us that the truth can be had, if we truly want to know the truth, and we “pass it on to all our friends.”
Sweet Mother Of Creation, how can this magic elixir of life that is so un-seemingly unimportant (yesterday) be pried from the lips of the Gate Keeper of the Secret Internet Codes? How can we, mere mortals in the play of life, find ourselves privy to this great (and mostly still unknown) secret of CyberSpace. (not bad 230 words, I am on a roll!)
Who among us hasn’t received an e-mail from a well-meaning friend, relative or co-worker, warning of all kinds of dangers lurking in seemingly benign places? Warning us of some kind of “supposedly impending doom, bad thing, or trickery” on the net? You will notice that, out of the kindness of my heart, I did not write the above sentence like this:
“Who among us hasn’t annoyed friends, people on the net who are playing nicely and minding their own business, relatives or co-workers with embarrassing e-mail warnings of ridiculous consequences stemming from completely improbable circumstances that are obviously false on second glance?”
Having one of them epiphany things, it occurred to me that there could be a possible shortage of these types of e-mail hoaxes floating around. And so, today very conveniently we have the opportunity to start all kinds of new rumors with this post. We can be on the other end of the finger, and jerk the collective chain of readers but one more time. We can take this precious time to confuse, amuse and turn each other against each other, and all of it before the 15th of April, the latest “known end to the free world scenario completion date.”
Computers make it so easy don’t they?
Now days you can just about fabricate anything if you want to (Ask Oprah and the Book of the Month Club). All of this possible with just a few clicks, warnings, lies, horrific cautionary tales, designed to scare the bejeebers of of anyone tempted to do anything as dangerous as travel to Barbados, pump gas at twilight, talk to anyone on a municipal bus or forget to flush. Lick an envelope, walk thru a parking lot at Home Depot, step on a crack in the sidewalk or walk under a ladder.
Still here?
Don’t look now, but your hard-drive is infected with a worm virus and unknown truth. With a minimum of keystrokes, you can use the oldest trick in the book, “divide and conquer” become the hero of the hour. So now it is time for me to confess, I am the imposter in your midst. I am really Capt. Ollie South, a widely known and respected member of the Armed Forces of the U.S.A.. But I use a completely different screen name for my own protection and operate under an unsuspecting e-mail alias to protect the innocent.
Now I know for some of you, this is hard to believe, but it’s completely true.
I know for sure that something like this (an e-mail hoax) happened to an 8-year old girl from Tupelo Mississippi. It happened while she was eating lunch at a fast food joint (aren’t your glad I didn’t say Karl’s Jr.) Apparently, this little 8-year old girl, bought a puppy in Mexico. Before she even knew what happened, she was charged $200,000 for a cookie recipe by clicking on an e-mail link on FaceBook. Think about that the next time you are eating lunch at a fast food joint with someone you met on MySpace or your high school reunion site.
As with any other information that you receive from questionable sources such as this, it isn’t wise to believe everything that you have read here without questioning it or attempting to verify it in any way. Or you can do like most of my folks do, just pass the story along to everyone you know. Imagine how you would feel if opened up tomorrow’s newspaper and found out that someone you know was charged $200,000 for a cookie recipe.
You would feel terrible, or really bad, maybe even suicidal or depressed big time. You might even go back to listening to Rush Limbaugh or reading the comments section of Margaret & Helen for heavens sake!
Well I see the old bottom of the page rolling up, I need to get out of here, check my mail, see what is in the box for today. I recently sent out a mass mailing to everyone I know on my mailing list inviting them to a new meeting of a group that I founded this week.
Multiple Personalities Without Real Partners.
We are in the process of starting a citywide singles or multiples banquet on a monthly basis and want to promote it with the help of a massive internet wide e-mail circulation program. I have to go now, you see, I am in charge of the name tags, and I figure I am surely going to be up all night long, and most of the weekend, just filling them out on some of these people.
Remember, new computer worm virus hits on April One, end of the world calendars from the Mayan’s are on sale, get yours before 2012 and trust that everything that you read here, was the absolute truth.
Yours truly
Captain Ollie South
(A widely known and respected impostor of the Armed Forces of the U.S.A., who is using a completely different screen name for his own protection)
Congratulations, it is Friday … You made it! Have a great weekend, take a few new shots of Nancy on Saturday (I am really into tan lines) and check back in with me on Monday.
OOO
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March 26, 2009
North On Seventy-Four
An easy day today, not a whole lot on my plate. Took an old chair and leaned it up against the wall, listened to the Turtle Doves singing their mournful song in the trees. A time to reflect, on the lazy hazy days of summer. Spring just around the corner.
A prime candidate for Cabin Fever, I am ready for the summer season, bring it on. Big winter storm moving in this weekend, some of it today, one more to suffer thru and perhaps it is the last.
Not all that bad this year, it has been cool and it has been nice. Like I said … A little time to sit on the front porch and watch the world roll by. Reflect, mull it over. God has been so good to me. He gives me enough peace and tranquility, time to myself, and my mind can make trips that no amount of high-priced gasoline can stop.
On some days, that is what it is all about.
The American Economy and my spending habits may have relegated me to a life of quiet desperation on the front porch, but it cannot close the borders of my mind. In my mind, there are trips yet untold. In my mind, I can go all I want, and it doesn’t cost one thin dime to head on down that road.
Today I am driving north on Highway Seventy-Four, up that old torn, well driven, worn two lane which harbors those old white wheat elevators in Crescent, Oklahoma, how they stood like ships upon the plain. I am remembering how it was, when I was ten years old, that I thought they were truly the biggest things I had ever seen.
That was before Aircraft Carriers and Viet Nam.
All the mysteries of life, a young heart yearned to discover. Stealing off and skinny-dippin down at the Cimarron River, if mama ever knew, the lickin I would have received. Special days and times, now so precious to me.
Old tin roof, leaves in the gutter. Yellow jackets on the watermelon, honey-suckle in the air, Daddy turning on the sprinkler, letting us run thru it in our underwear. Falling asleep in my Grandpa’s lap, to the sound of his pocket watch ticking in his vest. Angel Food Cake on the counter and a silver fork in my hand.
Learning to drive in a wheat-field full of stubble, shifting gears and using a clutch. Ice cold Grapetts at the Co-Op at the north end of town, beside the railroad depot, now long gone. Fried chicken dinners, ice tea, and fresh picked strawberries for lunch. Riding an old popper, a John Deere to city folks.
Keeping an eye on the furrow and plowing straight, long after the sun has set and into the night. Burning drip-gas in the old pickup, laying a strip of rubber on the asphalt. Secretly stealing a kiss in the balcony on Saturday night.
The noise of an old freight rattling thru town, the sound the train whistle made late in the night. Years later, after decades of time, it would be my hand on that whistle cord, making a living out on the branch line. It would be me riding thru town in the late hours with a string of empties and a little red hack on the end.
Working Oklahoma hot summers, in air so thick with humidity, you could cut it with a knife, barefoot days that seemed to go on and on forever, seemingly to never end. Perhaps I am remembering this all wrong, but, life seemed to be better way back then.
Early morning … Sittin’ on the porch, almost April, trying to work it all out.
All those days, part of my faded past, now a treasure in my minds eye. If life was a classroom and love was just a lesson, I would like to have to stay there, until I finally got it right. Rollin’ north on Highway Seventy-four. There’s a blacktop road, with a faded yellow centerline.
It can take you back to the place, but it can’t take you back in time.
OOO
March 25, 2009
Hard Wired For Change
“I don’t believe I understand everything that I think that I supposedly heard about what I thought he said, that concerned me, or my spousal unit.” But I did watch.
President Obama was speaking for forty minutes last night, and then afterwards, some dummy tells me what it was he said, for thirty more. I never will understand that, it is as if we don’t not have the capacity as citizens to understand what is being spoken?
We seem to be hung up on this banking thing and the rest of it is awash, makes me wonder what happened to T.Boone Pickens, that guy sure disappeared fast didn’t he? What about the mess in Afghanistan, the shortage of resources, energy problems, distribution problems, did they get the puppy yet?
Today the Internet will be alive with all the armchair critic’s who have it all figured out, who have all the answers, who know not only what day it is, but what page we seem to be on. Must be nice. I know that I saw it on television, it might have even been on FOX, come to think of it. FOX is television, right? But I do not assume to know the answers, not by any stretch of the imagination.
Not many answers, certainly the questions remain. We are critically short of hero’s anymore, not a fresh face on the horizon that I can see. Okay, this is what, the third or fourth time? I think I got it.
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend of mine.
My buddy said that “I am no longer a hunk. That I need to get used to it.” And I suppose, to some extent, he is right. I am no longer the poster boy for the male or human race, I am not going to win the award for “Sexiest Man Alive” or something like that. But on the same token, I am not all that ready to throw in the towel, and give up on it completely.
That is the problem, the body is no longer showing up for work, but the mind still thinks it is in the running and therefore, the rub. It could be the fact that I am in love with a waitress that doesn’t even know my name, I dunno. I know this …… I don’t like it. Aging and growing older sucks.
I am not going gracefully into the sunset of my life, nor will I age like a fine old bottle of wine.
It has been one of those weeks, and the sad part is that the week for the most part is only half over. Not long ago, someone tried unsuccessfully to hack into my bank account, so I dutifully notified my bank, Chase, that someone was up to no good and provided them the details. They in turn never responded to my email nor did they contact me. Why? Pretty simple really, the crooks were after MY MONEY not theirs, so therefore, it wasn’t all that important.
This week, having the audacity to believe that things in the business world had improved, I decided to upgrade to a better credit card. Simple business transaction, handled by more than a competent banker, on THEIR SYSTEM and nothing out of the ordinary.
Now I am entering into my third day of dealing with “fraud prevention” and getting this thing authorized and back into good working order, because some dork in Chicago doesn’t understand or speak ENGLISH and it is all ****ed up!
So here I sit, middle of the week, everything is so messed up I don’t know whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch.
I have laundry to run, email backed up, woman says shag over to China Mart for some vacuum cleaner bags, a computer at Dell.com that is being built and a PayPal that doesn’t recognize the NEW CARD, two inkers out of ink, one tire out of balance on the truck, and we are flat-out of pet food.
Rather than face the reality of it … I sit around and dream of having a one night stand with my best friends’ baby sister, even tho’ I understand now that I am no longer considered a hunk.
Middle of the week and there is no end in sight. Half-eaten bag of ranch flavored corn nuts and not much on the plate for the future. I took my old guitar down to Cash America and pawned it to buy some gasoline. Took a swing at my best friend in the parking lot for suggesting that I was over the hill, spent and used up. If I had a dime for everything that didn’t make sense at all, I surely would be living the good life, but I am not.
Situation normal.
On top of all this … The lunch left me with an undercurrent of pigginess (and) unexpected fantasies of convergence and inter-species metamorphoses began to flicker into my consciousness. Was it the Soy Sauce or was it her? It was silent in the small restaurant; silent except for the occasional cellphone ring and the pounding of the old mans’ heart in his throat.
The day had started beautifully, and was looking like it would end the same way, but now suddenly, it wasn’t looking so good, the ship of state was starting to rock, we were going down.
He sat in his booth and slowly, almost methodically studied the waitress She was a beautiful young Asian girl (about 42 or 44 years of age … Hey? This is MY fantasy, you want younger women, go write your own!), a shapely young thing with a body that was just beginning to slow itself, and she knew that her customers liked to look at her.
It was then that the old familiar stirrings deep inside reminded him that he was no longer a hunk and he needed to get a life.
Another 900 word dirge from a orotund semi-spent geezer in the Heartland, Wednesday, Hump Day for a five day wage slave in Oklahoma. Pass me a couple of them egg rolls … I will take ‘em to go.
OOO
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March 24, 2009
Today’s Cheeky Monkey
Now this is what I call paying attention to details. Gainesville, Florida police officers wrote seven tickets for a BMW that had been illegally parked for two weeks. A neighbor finally called police, who found a dead body in the back seat of the car.
Not long ago I was chastised severely for pointing out that Louisiana was the murder capital of the U.S.. and I was reprimanded for my article as being nonfactual and clearly off base. Turns out that Louisiana has a higher incarceration rate than any other state in the nation. One out of every 55 Louisiana residents is behind bars, and if you take into account people on parole and probation, the number drops to 1 in every 26 is under the control of the department of corrections.
Nice place to visit, but I still would not want to live there.
Three and one-half years after Katrina the last of the National Guard packed up this week and left New Orleans. One respondent on the news said, “A lot more of us will be packing pieces now for our own protection.” Now that is a sad footnote on the neighborhood in which you live isn’t it?
Big push on to move into that area of the country now.
Houston has a 6.5% unemployment rate, one of the lowest in the nation. People are flocking there in droves to find work. Houston stockbrokers are now giving away a toaster or an offshore oil rig with each new account. Better hurry, the toasters are going fast. Meanwhile back in Washington DC I hear that when congressman go to eat lunch, they are telling the serving person to “skip the food” just bring them the bill because they want to argue over it.
Here is another study I read this week. I love studies, they tell us so much about ourselves that we do not already know. A new study just released in Germany has found that 84% of Germans in their 20′s would rather do without their significant others than give up access to the Internet. The young students explained that you can always find another man or woman to love, whereas life without the web is simply unthinkable.
First it was Email and then Instant Message.
Then it was MySpace, then FaceBook, then Linkedin. Then Twitter, it is no longer just enough to consider “just do it” we have to tell everyone that we are doing it! Why we are doing it. Where we are doing it. No one writes real letters anymore, no one cares if the marriage is doing just fine, that the relationship is rock solid, no one has time for anyone other than self. No answer on my email of last week and now the neighbor lady has succumbed to sending terse, somewhat mean emails and taunting me again.
Must be tough, stuck in the grey area between losing it and virtual sure thing … single room occupancy at the home.
To that ONE PERSON who seems hell-bent to ruin my day I say that I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about just about everything else. What may sound like anger to some is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, on some days, downright loathing. And I often root for its destruction along with those who try and irritate me. Please don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the one’s who tell you everything is going to be alright.
Do you wish to delete this message yes or no?
I see where the soil in the nation’s capitol has been tilled and we are now going to have a White House Garden. Meanwhile in the Heartland of America, we are beginning to see the handwriting on the wall …. Unemployment is Capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden.
Only 27% of the voters believe that the Stimulus package will actually benefit them in one way or another, a full 48% of Democrats believe it will help, 19% of independents, and bringing up the rear, 7% of the Republicans believe it will work. This might be why close to half of the population reports it is virtually impossible to get a good nights sleep anymore (48%).
Irish discount air carrier, Ryanair, the largest low-fare carrier in Europe is said to be considering charging people to use the restroom on their aircraft. “One thing we have looked at is the possibility of maybe putting in a coin slot on the toilet door.” Which sounds really stoooopid, but over here in America, would be considered end of the year bonus type thinking.
Warning
A heads up for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’ s how the scam works : Two seriously good-looking 20- 21 year- old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk . They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald’ s. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing . Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend
So tell your friends to be careful.
(P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each)
Have a great day, and remember. Never, ever take your spouse or significant other for granted. Appreciation is something that you still have 100% control over.
OOO
“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)
March 23, 2009
Flush The Rush Bunch
Tuned in the radio for some soft tunes to soothe my ravaged soul, and I hear Rush. What a profound waste of air time this is.
Like my grandfather used to say, “An empty barrel will make the most noise.”
I am tired of Rush, Hannity, Imus, Ann Coulter, Larry King … I am tired of them all. I do however, miss Paul Harvey, who had an honesty about him and a genuine American attitude.
Just what America needs right now, a new path on the high road to moral rot and the intellectual turpitude from radio hosts that give great satisfaction to all those who are fond of denouncing American’s as a bunch of hapless souls. Which in turn makes a guy like me almost sad that he stopped smoking good hooter and opted out for the sane world.
So rather than poison my mind, I deftly turn it off and return to the sanctity of nature.
In my hammock of life, swinging from the backyard tree, listening to the honey bee’s working the blossoms I think of the America that I wish for. A country that is full of people who stop by the side of the road to help other people change their flats, send canned goods to Houston after a flood, bake casseroles when the neighbor dies, kiss their spouse and volunteer at the Humane Society, and who sometimes softly whistle “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” to themselves on the way to work.
Rush is full of it, Don Imus isn’t much better, Larry King should have gone on over years ago, but is still here.
We are not this dismal picture of misfits that they often paint. I refuse to accept the portrait of ourselves found in the media or espoused on the public airwaves. If I did, we would conclude the nation is rife with weird cults, serial killers, vicious dogs and people who believe in flying saucers in New Mexico.
We suffer nightly with one survey after another, useless pointless information about nothing. We continue our hilarious national habit of studying ourselves to find out how stupid we are. 12.7% of this years poll believe Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife. Regis lost Kathy Lee and I consumed my very first Starbuck’s Coffee and Krispy-Kreme for my birthday. One out of every three people is mentally unstable, check the room.
If you believe Rush, the majority of Americans spend their time reading pornography or shooting one and another. If you stay tuned to FOX all the time, there is the profound chance that your brain may turn to Oatmeal before August. And if you send these people your broken gold, you are going to be a poor fool with no more broken gold.
We are a nation of diverse interests and people, we belong to ballroom dancing, square dancing, clog dancing and tango groups, just ask my wife, she will set you straight. We have people who sing in barbershop quartet harmony, grand opera, gospel, country, folk, jazz, swing, salsa and medieval chants. They attend sack races at the 4th July Picnic, eat hot dogs and drink Dr. Pepper (most of it these days seems to be of the “diet” variety).
Americans compete in chili cook-offs, bird-watching, bridge, the Annual-Spam-A-Rama cookoff, polo, the Pillsbury bakeoff, rattlesnake round-ups, spelling bees, hog-calling, the Miss Turpentine Spirits beauty pageant, jalapeno eating contests deep in the heart of Texas, the Prairie Chicken Drop, cow chip tossing in the Oklahoma Panhandle, and the Oscars.
True, we are not uniformly full to the brim with “nice folks.”
All of us have our human share of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth. Some of us have been stuck on the off-ramp of the Information Highway and logged off. Such is my plight … Overheated and Lost In Okie-Homa.
Just like my dad had problems, and his father before him, nothing ever runs smoothly like a fine pocket watch. The basic difference being now, I am told that I have “Issues.” I do not have problems. Which of course is the media’s way of pointing out to us, our despair and desperate need to shade the truth and see things completely different than the way they appear to be.
You see problems are often described as negative and ordinary; whereas issues sound important, worthy of attention.
Life is better when you flush the Rush Bunch, you might have to jiggle the handle a little, but in the end, they will all go down the tube like the rest of this negative crap they put out each day.
Another soft breath of air out of the south, and all is well in my world. I drift off and think of a footlong & a glass of ice tea, maybe a big ol sweet Jerkins and life is good. This is a good way to spend Monday … No Rush … No Hurry … No Worry.
Welcome to the Heartland … This is truly NOT the Garden of Eden, by any stretch of the imagination but it beats whatever The Rush Bunch says that is out there right now.
I’ll take it.
OOO
“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)
March 20, 2009
Trisha’s Bar & Grill
I saw this thing yesterday on the news where this flight attendant does a “rap boarding” announcement on the plane, and everyone seems to think this is soooooo cool. Just what I need, shell out $400 for a plane ticket and have to sit through some Jethro singing rap emergency rules to me on the pre-flight. Here is another thing, they always say “we will now begin the boarding process.” Not necessary. Boarding is sufficient. “We will now begin the boarding.”
Simple. Tells the story.
People are always adding extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. Like the people who write Creative Endeavors, that would be a good example of it right there. “Boarding process” sounds important, but it isn’t. It is just a bunch of knot-heads getting on an airplane.
How about an article on Dick Cheney?
Boo!
Bet I scared you ha-ha.
No Cheney today, new playlist in the machine, have the earphones on, and we will see … we will see. Read an article on this Pulitzer Winning Author in Florida, who every day, would put on the noise canceling earphones and then go into his Florida Room and write. Must be nice, to look out the window, see nothing but a windswept panorama of sea and sky, no noise, no distractions.
Must be nice.
In my case I have the headphones and insulation, that always helps, as it blocks out a lot of the noise. Then there is this tiny minute microphone deep inside the earphones that actually hears the noise that is un-blockable and conveys its frequency and amplitude to the electronics. They in turn generate a “reverse sound wave” (180 degrees out of phase with the noise) and feed it into the headphone speakers. This subtracts from the noisy sound wave which is actually a phenomenon called destructive interference. Which is not to be confused with constructive interference which would be a matching sound wave, which would make it in fact, louder.
So much to today’s science lesson huh?
Great writers have to be motivated I suspect. Florida it seems, any time of the year, would be a great motivator. I on the other hand, trapped amongst the trash of man have barking dogs, fire trucks, dirt bikes on the weekends and the ever present police helicopter (Ghetto Bird) overhead most of the time. Ambiance has a lot to do with it I would assume.
The serenity of the moment adds to the mix.
So we write, those of us with no real lives. And we convey the idea and thoughts of the day, to the page, and print the page, and share the nugget of truth, as we see it with you. We show you that life is rarely exactly as we would like it to be, but instead, life is exactly as it is. We write when we are happy and when we are sad, we write when we are motivated and not so engaged. We write when we are depressed and when we are twitterpated with utter glee.
Which would be complete and immediate infatuation with someone or something that occurs during the week or the onset of spring (whichever comes first) or another viewing of Pure Country or Walt Disney’s Bambi as you may be inclined or disposed to do on the weekend.
And we stroke you in our ingenuous way, as my friend on the left-coast of America (Kalli-forn-yuh) puts it, give you “the set up.” We use the set-up to amuse and confuse, and we shape it in a way where if done correctly, you never see it coming.
For instance: The financial crisis explained in simple terms…
Trisha is the proprietor of a bar in Goteebo, Oklahoma. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Trisha’s bar. Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Trisha increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Trisha’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Trisha’s bar.
However they cannot pay back the debts. Trisha cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.
The suppliers of Trisha’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.
Look! Dick Cheney!
Boo! Bet I scared you ha-ha.
Have A Great Weekend (We will now begin the boarding process).
OOO
