Comedian Judson Laipply made a new version of the Evolution of Dance. Who says white people cannot get funky? Always something good going on over at Snotr.com. Have a great weekend. Today’s post is right below.
I truly may have been blessed among men. I can write something stupid or off the cuff, and inspire the passion of a nation to send me one thousand emails implying that I should be sleeping in a bed infested with the fleas of a thousand camels, or sitting under a sick horse somewhere outside Bozeman, Montana atoning for my sins.
I can write I had an eargasm this week, which is the sensation one gets hearing a dramatic climax in music — Or I nearly had an eargasm while listening to his performance of Rachmaninoff’s Piano concerto No.2 and I will get emails from every Tom, Dick & Harry within 200 miles. Objections from deep in the Piney Woods outside of Macon, Georgia or the foothills outside Provo, Utah.
The Chairman of the Board Of Directors of Good Family Living will reply within two days. I could possibly be the subject of contention on The View by next Wednesday morning. So stupid me, I write a poem about George Bush and I make mention of Christianity and now I am forced to admit that I am not God.
Forgive me … But there is a definite need this day to dispel a rumor that has appeared here recently. This rumor that I am God or that I think I am God, or I have somehow irritated God, or that I simply do not believe in God. (which should be between me and God, don’tcha think?)
So I stand ready to defend the work. To answer the questions of: “Who are you, to assume that you are good enough to go to Chicago and sit on Oprah’s couch?” And a host of other complaints in the past couple of days. It appears that prayer or comments toward religion from a heathen such as myself are taboo. Which is ludicrous.
All of this is simply not true.
I do believe in God, Mom, The Flag and Apple Pie.
So as the first prayer was so dog-gone popular and I never seem to learn, here we go again. Dear Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen.
Now that I am older (but refuse to grow up) here is what I have discovered. I have just as much talent as anyone else, I have the right to go to Chicago and talk to whom I want, I am totally unique.
Just like everyone else in this world.
What I am is remarkable, tenacious, and I guess it would be safe to say, in it for the long haul. No flash in the pan here, just me, an ordinary guy. Not saintly, enlightening, prophetic, miracle working, just an ordinary guy. I haven’t even come close to — I have seen and heard enough.
Sometimes when I sit here in my basement, alone, no one around but me and the mushrooms, I have to admit, I am quite the person, “THE” catch of the day, the absolute-best-what-have-you there is on the block. I adore little children, and puppies, not in that particular order. Somewhat fond of Californians, but do not like pretentious intellectuals and snobs. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel trains stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I love City Hall and it’s employee’s.
In my spare time I have been known to translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award winning operas. Manage time efficiently. Can effectively deal with Road Rage. I have more than once shook hands with the governors of many states without the benefit of hand sanitizer. I can fix a small oooowie on a child’s finger, I write poetry — “Fifty bucks is fifty bucks, I am not made out of money — I just topped my truck off at fifty-one eighty and that aint chicken feed honey.“
(thank you very much)
Thanks to a teacher and all the many handlers in my life, I can add and subtract, smell a rat in the woodpile every now and then. I know the EXACT amount of bubble bath to add to a regular sized bathtub. I use to part my hair on the left, now I just part it all over the place. I only take a half of tab of Viagra because the bride said “she just wants to cuddle,” Waffles excite me now, but my eggs are never scrambled.
Coffee, black, two sugars, no conversation. I hammer, I paint, scrape and sand, I am a regular This Old Spouse, I am after all, handy around the house. I am so dog-gone good I could possibly re-decorate your bedroom or your home.
I don’t know what part of the chicken the McNugget comes from. I can tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and Godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I cook Thirty Minute Meals in a little under twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in the War of Love, and an outlaw in some parts of Peru.
I buy my shoes at K-Mart, underarm deodorant at ChinaMart, I pay all of my bills on time, especially those I owe to the City. I never ever cheat on my taxes, believe in UFO’s and Roswell, New Mexico, and I write on the Internet for fun and for profit. Mostly fun here lately. I hiked the Grand Canyon once in my youth, rode down to the bottom and back on lopped ear mule named Sarah, not to be confused with the current elected governor of some state in the frozen north..
Having two recently installed crowns and one chipped tooth, I have a fetching smile, which cost about $2500 and some change if I remember it right. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious Army Ants. I play Blue Grass Cello, I was scouted by the New York Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored I build large, scale model, suspension bridges in my backyard.
But I am not God.
000
The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Remember that old nursery rhyme?
What about that Indian in Lil’ Abner, he walked around every where, all day long, with this huge black cloud hanging over his head, threatening to rain.
Everyone it seems is ready to throw in the towel. Well not me, I got a little left, bring it on.
Even president Obama seemingly is hyperventilating. In Sunday’s speech, before the inauguration, he said “I stand here today as hopeful as ever that the United States will endure.”
Endure? What, we close up shop and no one told me?
As one reporter on FOX put it: “Did he think the country might actually go out of business? Merge with France? Sell out to Wal-Mart? That we might decide that Citigroup was too frail, Iraq too complex and our waistlines too bulging to carry on? What did he mean?”
To come to the point quickly, I know all about “endure.”
I just finished eight years of it!
I remember when Cup Cake was sick and she was in the hospital, the doctors were having a little difficulty pin-pointing what was the cause of her condition (blood infection). She began to have a pity party for one, and was lamenting the fact that “she was going to die.” So in an effort to cheer her up and bolster her worrisome position I said, “don’t be silly, you owe wayyyyyy too much money to die.“ And that seemed to work.
Same thing here, America is in a tight vise right now, economically speaking, but the rest of it is working out just fine. The voice of doom prognosticators and the media Sooth-Sayers are saying that we are on the edge of our national death bed and surely, the world as we know it is coming to an end.
Aint so.
We are for the most parts, holding our heads above water and things are looking rather good. Look around, check it out. Wall Street and the Banker’s are doing better (since we gave them what they wanted) and other than a lousy economy (which we have had before) things are not all that bad.
Take into consideration the Green Initiative being proposed. At the very least, taking a bold step to do this ourselves instead of farming it out to foreign concerns, the Green Initiative stands to produce some two million jobs. If we just reach down and grab our bootstraps, roll up our sleeves and get busy, we can turn this thing around in a matter of a few short years.
Advances in technology are improving our standard of living, medicines are improving our health and our longevity, we can now literally reach out to the planet and the world is at our finger tips. This blog is a good example of that, it is in 170 countries worldwide and it didn’t even exist at this time last year.
USA! USA! I aint much … but baby I am all you got.
I like it here, we are living longer, we have 8 out of 10 serious diseases in full retreat. Our lights are still on, there is still something in the cabinet to eat, and I didn’t fly down to Texas to retire in the Dark Ages of Midland. Crime is down, been going down for at least ten years now, despite the fact that we lost the war on drugs a long, long time ago.
No more junk mail from MasterCard, Visa or DiscoverCard, my old hoopie is still running and American Idol is back replete with Simon, Randy and Paula … Even kind of dig the new chick, I think she is cool.
I am doing alright.
We have come a long, long ways down the proverbial beaten path, and we are not down and out, not just yet. None of this signifies the end of civilization or democracy as I know it. Socially, economically, and technologically speaking, we have made a leap of unparalleled personal and economic freedom, and we will recover.
All you have to do is “see the glass as already broken and everything else too.” Once you get past that, the rest of it is just a cakewalk to better times.
000
It’s Okay, we are all different … Remember that.
Today is my second day of being a “Media Whore” and I seem to be fine with it. I do note this morning that an Australian tourist board is searching for someone to blog about living on an island in the Great Barrier Reef. Applicants must be willing to live in an oceanfront villa, swim in the pool, snorkel the reef, and lie on the beach. How much does it pay you ask? The six month position pays $100,000.00 u.s. Sign me up! It sounds like a tough job, but someone is going to do it, might as well be me.
You Have To Be Kidding Me.
So here I sit, reading USA Today, page 2B, Thursday January 23rd, and there it is. “HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS BUYING BAD LOANS” from your kitchen table (of all places) and now here comes the really good part … without spending a penny of your own money! And I am sorry, but I had to think to myself … Isn’t that how we got into the mess to begin with? The ad goes on to tell you about some kind of financial superman who made billions “after going broke” during the financial mess, and he can show you how to do the same. Pass.
Oh that? You found about that did you?
You might find this amusing and you might not. Treasury Secretary designate Timothy Geithner’s confirmation hit a snag this week, when they announced he was some $34K short in paying his income taxes plus interest. Now let’s see, “you can not operate Turbo Tax and you are going to be put in charge of the U.S. Treasury.” What is wrong with this picture?
Friday in the Big City.
Nothing out of the ordinary coming my way that I know of, and I seem to be holding up rather well. The government is reporting that they have found “bird parts” on the USA flight that went down in the Hudson River, and divers have located the missing engine. I don’t know a whole lot about most of this, but I know that if I am ever on a plane that goes down, I want Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger to be the pilot.
Man! What a take charge guy that pilot seemed to be. And low and behold, I have heard it for years, and it turns out to be true. “In case of a water landing your seat will serve as a floatation device.” In this case, it was the entire airplane. Homeland Security has solved the crash and has released pictures of the culprits and you can view them here.
To be or not to be … that is the question — Opps, sorry about that.
A loaded gun was accidentally used during a rehearsal of a Florida play at a Senior Citizen Center and the bullet grazed the ear of another actor. He was reportedly doing fine after being checked at a local hospital.
Give it back! Dog-gone it Martha, give it back!
A New York man is suing his ex-wife for a kidney. In 2001 when she was desperate for a kidney, he donated one of his to her, and now that they are divorcing he is demanding it back or she can buy it from him for a palsy $1.5 million dollars. Good luck on that one.
Here is another victim of the bad economy for you. It is now being reported that “lawyers” are having a tough go of it, as more and more Americans decide to stick together and ride it out. When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law. If you live in Oklahoma and you are representing yourself, take the Okie defense — hammer away on the table. No good huh?
Things are getting pretty bad, Burger King offered a free Whopper to anyone who would un-friend 10 people from their Facebook accounts. Some 200,000 people suddenly found themselves friendless in America. And I stood there dumbfounded wondering why the line was so long.
Spit it out Pedro.
Zapatos after Mexico City launched a campaign urging citizens to swallow their gum rather than spit it on the street. Officials there say the average square yard of sidewalk in the city has 70 globs of discarded gum.
Slow and steady … Slow and steady.
A friend of mine handed me a Rubik’s cube one night and showed me how it worked. He then mixed it all up and said, “See if you can figure that one out?” and left me with it. As I am a pilgrim of very little patience, about 72 hours later, I dropped it in the trash compactor and hit the button. One very dead Rubik’s cube, much to the dismay of my friend.
A British man has finally solved the Rubik’s Cube after 26 years of trying.
Construction worker Graham Parker, now 45, first picked up the puzzle in 1983 at the peak of its global popularity, and though it stymied him, he kept at it obsessively after the world moved on. “I have had wrist and back problems form spending hours on it” said Parker, “but it was all worth it. When I clicked the last bit into place and each face was a solid color, I wept.”
You think that is bad, you ought to be a Media Whore in America and cannot locate your pimp. Now that is rough.
What am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?
000
Care For Another? Loose Change.
Every now and then I dream about a perfect world, a nice place, a gentle place and place where people just — Play Fair — It is my profound hope to live long enough to see that dream fulfilled.
Tonight I came in here and found this in the box:
As promised, I nominated you and your bloggie, for best written blog, in 2008. as seen here, today: http://okiedoke.com/ok/08awards/index.html and I’ve saved from my nominating email to Mike, Okiedoke, our conversation regarding same… and ‘less’.
Mr. Smith, you’ve proven to be a craving, media Whore, with your blog. I cannot ever visit your site again, because I treat myself better than that which you offer there. Best of luck, in winning the ‘Best writing’ category (sp) in the Okieblogs, with your self- cast, and singular vote. As I confided to Mike, Okiedoke, the night I nominated your repetitive and predictably dry blog for the award,
“Under the catagory of “Best Writing Blog”, I nominate Mr. Don Smith, a.k.a. “Creative Endeavors Blog”. It is my sincere wish that someday, Mr. Smith suddenly becomes both/either ‘Creative’, or shows some ‘Endeavor’ in his compositions. Neither has occurred yet, but A promise is A promise….”
And of course, “Best Overall Blog”, I nominate Charles G., a.k.a. “Dustbury”. One too many (*meaning ‘two and more’) blogs wherein all you did was bitch. that is so tiresome, old man; get a clue. Your emails are herewith blocked~ Go to hell.
This person did not get nominated for his blog, that will remain unnamed for good reason.
So for the record, I am not a media whore, first off, I am paid nothing for this, so I don’t fit that definition. Isn’t it curious, if this blog is so bad, and it cannot be tolerated, the writer still “nominated it.”
Duh?
Secondly, I don’t go around “nominating myself” for anything. Being low maint. I have enough problems of my own, without going around generating even more of them.
I often try to put up something worthwhile and make an effort to make what I have to say interesting and informative. We try to be honest. We don’t want to manipulate the reader. I try my best to not play games. We try to be passionate about the topic without being over emotional,
I really work on being able to keep my cool when others seem like they are angry, or losing their composure when they are hurt or at a loss for words. And, I always enter the Clearing House Sweepstakes and I always manage to make the final cut according to either Dick Clark or Ed McMahon.
Believe it or not, fairness is important to me. I try not to be bigoted, mean spirited, or downright nasty. Having my fair allotment of phobia’s and fears, I usually reserve them to myself and do not post them publicly.
A man cannot come into your yard and steal your goat — if you do not tell him where you tie it up at night.
So what I am basically all about here lately is just getting the point across in the most productive and positive way I can imagine or find. I used to write a Union Paper, and that is where I honed my writing abilities, I have been published several times in different formats. Most writers are greatly successful and they often make movies of their works. I really do not see that happening here.
I was once asked to star in a Remake of Midnight Cowboy, but had to turn it down because I go to bed before 9 pm.
Most everything else, because of the format we are using here, will have to remain “private” and I reserve the right to continue the mystery. Plus, allowing certain people to know too much about yourself, in this day and age, can turn out to be downright unhealthy.
So when people come up to me and say, “Are you as witty, insightful, articulate, and as handsome as your writing suggests?”
I would have to reply “Uh, not really. I am only five nine.”
000
Barack’s House
(Parody of Brick House by The Commodores)
Ow! It’s The White House
We finally might be
Just letting a bro hang out
Obama’s White House
He might paint it black
Put a hoop out back
Rush Limbaugh has a heart attackOw! Barack’s House
Well come November everybody knows
This is how the story goesObama beats John McCain
Then he rolls on up the moving van
Yeah, Yeah! How can he lose
To some old white dude
50 states
November 4 2008 he’s a winning manHis crib’s The White House
Yeah! Thanks to Oprah Winfrey
He’s been letting his soul hang out
It’ll be Barack’s house
First Lady’s got back
That’s a fact
You better not talk no smack YowChick a change chick a chane change
Beat McCain with a cane now
Getting down getting down now
Getting downOw! Barack in The House
Yeah! Not just for whitey
We’re letting the bro hang out
Barack’s house
Yeah! He’s the one
The chosen one
We’ll move him into Washington<><><>
Related:
George Bush Told Lies (Parody of Big Girls Don’t Cry by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons)
“Never forget the hand that helps you up or the boot that shows you the door.”
Today’s post can be found here.
Gentle Thoughts
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