The October Index is now up and can be accessed in the usual manner.
October 31, 2008
Listen guys, all this stuff you have been sending me telling me that if I just forward it on and pass it to my friends it will bring me good luck. Well, it aint working. Please just send me some money, chocolate or gas vouchers. Thanks.
Bad Day – Good Day – What are my choices?
Time to mess with the clocks again, the only sane place in America, seems to be Arizona. They don’t mess with the clocks in Arizona, and my hat is off to them.
This coming Sunday I will have another period of time, one hour, to muse over certain things in my life that need attention. I could for instance, give serious thought to the the idea of ending war on the planet, being as it is America that starts a lot of these conflicts. Did you know that in 1928 all the world powers (at that time) outlawed war under the 1928 Kellogg-Briand pact.
But it evidently didn’t work.
An extra hour of time for wondering. For instance, “What in the world is that piece of green stuff in my refrigerator and why won’t she throw it away?” Cleaning the refrigerator girls, only will consume twenty minutes of your hour, and the life you save, may be your own! Did you know that 28% of all American’s have some sort of fecal matter on their hands, and 55% of all the employees at Bueno Taco have it for sure.
One whole hour, I could: Make up new jokes for the grand-kids when they come to visit. For instance: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies? (Because you can see right thru them!). What is dead and plays soccer? (A ghoulie) what happened when the ghost disappeared into the fog? (He was a mist).
One whole hour, with which, to do as I please. Why are all the craters on the planet Mercury named after famous artists. I could pose for a picture, how about that nude guy, the thinker, just sitting there, seemingly lost in it all. I could do that … but in my present condition I would just look like I was sitting on the throne constipated or something.
What a deal … What a deal. And I still have fifty minutes left.
Someone called my blog “innocuous” this past week, that certainly was a blow to my pride. I had never considered this little piece of the planet that I support and feed …. innocuous (unlikely to offend: not intended to cause offense or provoke a strong reaction and unlikely to do so … an innocuous comment … harmless in effect) and I was somewhat taken by surprise by this observation.
Here all this time I thought it was “hard hitting, to the point, and making a change in the thought patterns of those of us that live in the Free World.”
Turns out I am harmless. Which at my age is proving to be mostly correct in all endeavors. But I will not bore you with the gory details.
My ##$#%! Printer quit, so I thought it was the inker, so I trot down to get a new one. The last one I bought (recently May of this year) was $21.80 and now the sucker is up to $32.44 plus tax.
Thank You so much Mr. Bush, there is a bus leaving in ten minutes …. Be under it.
Man, how much are we supposed to take, they keep passing it on to the taxpayer/consumer. Electricity last year, $110 a month, this year, $148. Natural Gas last year, $42, this year $61. City services, water, garbage, etc last year $45 this year $60. I now understand the Department of the U.S. Treasury is suggesting printing a new five dollar bill, and Abe Lincoln will be wearing a T-Shirt.
This morning I am reading in the paper where suicide is on the rise in America, divorce is up, increased financial pressures are coming home to roost. The rates have been dropping for the last ten years, but now are on the rise. Be careful on Monday, Monday mornings are the worst day of the week for heart attacks, specifically at 10a.m, this is the hour of the day they seem to be most prevalent. So if your cranky boss schedules for a ten a.m. sit down in the “how come chair” be prepared.
I could possibly grind on and on for the better part of a couple of pages on this subject, but I won’t. As my sainted Grandmother used to say …. Look for the rainbow, there is always a bright side to everything.
On your way home from work today, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
This is where the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully .You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud at least three or more times, ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’ ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’ ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’
So you see … There is a bright side.
Do your level best to have a nice day, and remember, there is always some poor soul that has a job that is worse than yours.
Parting Shot: “Just think, if the Indians at Plymouth Rock had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey, instead of a turkey, guess what we all would be having a piece of for Thanksgiving?”
(Think about it it will come to ya)
October 30, 2008
Okay, I think I have it down now. BANKER to TAXPAYER: “It’s simple … You are loaning me money.” TAXPAYER: “Uh huh.” BANKER: “So I can lend YOU money.” TAXPAYER: “Uh huh?” BANKER: “This way, I can stimulate the economy.” TAXPAYER” “Huh?” BANKER: “And when it gets back on its feet and is robust and times are good, I can pay YOU back.”
Yeah … I got it … I think we ALL got it.
Every now and then I seem to touch a nerve or as I like to put it … “Hit A Home Run.” Earlier in the week I wrote this piece on Halloween (Sign of the Times) and in it was a paragraph that read: “A time period costume would work, all you have to do is rummage thru your closet and find something from the 70’s,80’s or pre Ronald Reagan, that should do it. How about cross dresser, nice, but kind of dangerous in Oklahoma, some people here do not encourage or respect your new found perspective. I understand that in California the Gover-nator calls them “Girly Boys.” Which for some reason found disfavor with some of my readers and they have sent me emails implying among other things that I am insensitive and that my parents were not married. This is not true.
My parents were married.
So in effort to be “fair and impartial” about this, I have provided a link to address the issue. You can find it here.
Did you know that U.S. Senators are eligible for a pension if they aren’t re-elected and serve just one six-year term? As incredible as it may seem, it is true. Senators need just five years to be eligible at age 62 for pension rights. Currently the pension would be less than 8.5% of their 2008 salary, $169,300.00. Still, that is almost $15K a year, and remember, this is a first term member.
Think what some eighty-year old convicted felon moss-back will receive.
Iran’s attempt to build the world’s largest sandwich has ended in chaos, after spectators stared eating it. A thousand volunteers worked for a day to build the nearly mile-long ostrich meat sandwich in a Tehran park, but before officials from Guinness World Records could certify the feat, the impatient crowd swarmed the sandwich and devoured it in a matter of minutes. They still believe they will be able to get the sandwich in the books however, because of media footage that they plan on sending to the judges.
A mile long ostrich sandwich ……. Mmmmmmmmmmm doesn’t that sound yummy, it has my mouth watering just sitting here thinking about it.
Britain has resorted to bribing students to go to school. Truancy has risen abominably ever since the Labor Party came into power some 11 years ago. They have over 200,000 pupils cutting class in any given week. Labor tried the “Big Stick” approach to the problem by fining the parents of the errant children, but that did not work.
Now it is trying the carrot.
Children can win flat-screen TV’s, games, consoles, IPods, laptops, and even trips abroad for the onerous duty of turning up for lessons and applying themselves diligently. This bribery is insulting to students and teachers alike.
Here ins America we have a similar approach in place for our juveniles … It is called “National Elections.”
Joe “the plumber” Wurzelbacher of Toledo, was mentioned 26 times during the past week. By contrast, I only heard the word “Iraq” six times, “economy” 22 times and the word “shoot” coming from our kitchen seven. Shoot is really that other word, you just spell it differently, “shoot” has two O’s in it … the other one doesn’t and sounds pretty bad, but basically means the same thing.
Sarah Palin most likely used the other word when she saw this shot of her child flippin’ off her brother the other day.
Which ought to make for interesting around the dinner table discussion at the Moose Refuge …. “Well honey, maybe if we paid more attention to what the kids are doing and all we would be better informed” ……… “Informed! You want informed, well, if you’d stop reading Al Frankin and listening to O’Riely and paid more attention to Jesse Jackson and Rush, or James Dobson you’d be more informed enough to know that I AM God’s anointed champion of the people, not Obammer. I will show you informed” …
Now before you get all riled up and claim that I am picking on the Yummy-Mummy-our much adored and revered Moose Gooser, here is a picture of our beloved President doing the same thing. It must be a welcoming salute generic to the party, taught at an early age.
So much for my weak attempt at pleonasm for Thursday. End of today’s English lesson. Tune in tomorrow when we will be discussing why it is that Bonobo apes, one of the most peaceful and loving primates on the planet prefer to eat their cousins.
I guess they are the Republican’s of the species ………..
October 29, 2008
Patiently waiting on the sun to burn off the morning haze, so I can load up, take the bike and head on down to the river. Oklahoma City has about 30-50 miles of bike trails spread out all over the city and I like to go down alongside the river and ride in the mornings or late afternoon. By my calculations there remain not very many “good days” for bike riding left in this season, winter is on the way, there is a definite chill in the air.
My particular trail is 7.0 miles one way and I usually do about 14.0 miles round trip. One of these days, I am going to do it all (26 miles), but so far, I am fine with settling for half the distance. I have for most of the summer this year, been slinking over to the river and riding in the quiet of the day and gathering up what is left of my sanity each day around 10am in the morning.
The River I am referring to here is the North Canadian River and it runs thru the middle of Okie City. A few years back, the City Fathers caught up in the heat of their downtown renaissance, re-named it the “Oklahoma River” but to me, it is always going to be the North Canadian. We had at one time, the proud distinction of having a river we had to mow about three times per year. Weed strewn, full of trash and garbage and bone dry 95% of the time. But by spending some $22 million dollars and a little creative thinking, we now have three dams, miles of trails, and a nice user friendly environment.
Kind of nice. Most of the trails are well maintained, easy to find and enjoyable for their public use. One of these days, when it is all finished, it will compose some 203 miles of trails encircling the city itself. They are all paved and marked, smooth as a coffee table in most instances, private and still not all that used. Might call them the City’s secret. Oklahoma City has spent considerable time, money and effort bringing these area’s to life and making them available for use.
One of the few things that I find that I like about living in the metro-plex, big city is the park and trail systems. The rest of it, urban sprawl, traffic, dirty air, trash, modern day ailments of any big city, I can live without.
First weather of the season is approaching today, it left Denver yesterday and is racing across the plains as we speak. Bringing with it the high winds that tear at the corner of your eye, and the bone chilling cold temperatures associated with early fall. I am not all that ready for it, and I am certainly not looking forward to its arrival.
Little frost on the pumpkin this morning and the ride is going to be somewhat uncomfortable until I build up some body heat. Late Fall in Oklahoma. I suppose it is now time to dig out the “watch cap” for my head, locate the gloves to keep the fingers warm and check on the possibility of moving to Florida or Hawaii?
Jack Frost is once again nippin’ at my nose, and I of course, do not appreciate it. To put it succinctly some parts of me mentally have already went south for the winter.
- Two Wheel Beginnings
- Grandpa’s Low Rider
October 28, 2008
Excuse me, would it be alright if we ….
Dover Delaware – A lawyer representing a condemned ax murderer told the state Supreme Court that prison officials violated state law by adopting a new lethal-injection protocol without allowing for public review or comment. An attorney for the Department of Correction argued that its policies and procedures are confidential and not routinely subject to disclosure. This is a new wrinkle in the fabric of society, getting pre-authorized permission and approval in order to execute an “AX Killer?” Give me a break.
Could not happen to a nicer guy.
OJ Simpson is suffering through agonizing drug withdrawal behind bars says the National Enquirer. Simpson, recently convicted of armed robbery for trying to steal some of his old sports memorabilia suffers from severe arthritis because of old football injuries and was taking large doses of painkillers. Prison doctors have cut back on those medications, leavening Simpson hobbling and angry. “Sometimes he screams at his jailers, demanding pills,” a source tells the newspaper, “but his cries are being ignored.” Welcome to your own personal hell OJ, enjoy your stay.
Trouble in Paradise.
There is now valid proof as to why Hawaii is the most expensive place in the U.S. to live. Honolulu – More Hawaii homeowners than ever are falling behind on mortgage payments; 594 home foreclosures were logged in September. The figure from Realty-Trac is more than three times the number for September 2007. A spokesman said the increase pushes Hawaii from 34th in the nation for foreclosures to 20th.
Gettin Tight In Suburbia
Coeur d’Alene, Idaho – Sales of booze are up at state-run stores in northern Idaho. State Liquor Dispensary Superintendent Dyke Nally said people are avoiding costlier bar and restaurant tabs and doing more parties at home to save money. Personally, I am all for people staying home to imbibe and make a fool of themselves. And please remember, “Friends do not let friends drive drunk.” If they insist, then you should shave their eyebrows and put them on a bus to Chicago. It is a public service, and actually quite entertaining at the same time. Speaking of buses? (Nice blend huh) Check this out.
Someone needs to remove her head from her you know what or head back home … We don’t need MORE twisted science.
Just when you thought it could not get any worse. In an election that has been fought on an astoundingly low cultural and intellectual level, with both candidates pretending that tax cuts can go like peaches and cream with the staggering new levels of federal deficit, and paltry charges being traded in petty ways, and with Joe the Plumber becoming the emblematic stupidity of the campaign, it didn’t seem possible that things could go any lower or get any dumber. But they did last Friday, when, at a speech in Pittsburgh, Gov. Sarah Palin denounced wasteful expenditure on fruit-fly research, adding for good xenophobic and anti-elitist measure that some of this research took place “in Paris, France” and winding up with a folksy “I kid you not.” [...] More >>>
Turning Off The Juice
Concord New Hampshire . The state plans to turn off more than half of the 621 highway lights along Interstate 95 in the Portsmouth area and along Interstate 93 in Hooksett and Manchester. It said flipping the switches will save energy and about $250,000 a year. We did that last year, we turned the heat down, shut off the lights, we sat in the dark, my cup cake and I, froze our hinny’s off, and we saved twelve bucks.
Check The Garage
Fayetteville Arkansas – Police have arrested an armored car driver who had reported that the truck he drove was stolen by men who took him hostage. Police recovered nearly $500,000 from the residence of Brandon Whitehouse, 21, after he told investigators he acted alone. Whitehouse is charged with theft and filing a false police report. Kind of like the guy who got caught with fifteen pounds of smoke and claimed the C.I.A. planted it on him … that one didn’t fly either.
Better Living Thru Chemistry
San Francisco – An organic chemistry student at the University of California, Santa Cruz, pleaded no contest to heroin possession after police found drug-laced beer in his garage. Chaz Renzelman, 28, said he created the concoction by adding a handful of poppy pods to his homemade beer to improve the flavor. Renzelman was sentenced to a drug diversion program.
A Rude Awakening
A Pennsylvania woman was asleep in her bed last week when a large chunk of ice exploded thru the ceiling and hit her on the forehead. Mary Ann Foster, 66, was left with a large lump, and said that she could easily have been killed if the projectile hadn’t broken into pieces as it passed through the roof of her house. Authorities say the ice, which Foster saved most likely fell from a passing plane, but Foster isn’t so sure. “There is a little fish smell to it,” she says. “Which is weird.” And now this Tuesday, I have a totally new definition of the word “weird.”
Hard Times In Texas
Things are so bad of the seven gift shops in Crawford, Texas, that once sold George W. Bush souvenirs, three have gone broke and only one still maintains regular hours. Meanwhile the White House press corps released a national policy statement on the economy just yesterday. It read: “Save a little money each month and the end of the year, you will be surprised at how little you have.”
If you are not all that crazy about this (pardon the pun) then check out what this guy in LA says the “New America” is going to be like, little eye opener here for sure. Seven more days until the Obammer Rapture.
And finally … Melt Down In The Heart Land
Psychiatric hospitals nationwide are reporting that admissions have more than doubled due to people suffering extreme stress about home foreclosures, job losses, and plunging stock prices. It appears that the appropriate response to our current reality in America, is to simply just go insane.
Have to go! I am late for group …
“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online), Sarah Palin article Slate Online.
October 27, 2008
My website grader says I have too many pictures on my site, it will slow down the process of loading, and therefore, it is not a good idea. I say “be patient” it is worth the wait, besides, I like the pictures.
It’s that time of year once again: The summer sun has slipped away, brittle leaves waltz, and winter waits to cloak us in its dark, cold hood. The wind across the American Prairie has picked up and is tearing at the corner of your eye, parts of Amarillo blow into town every other day, and you just know, winter cannot be far away.
The easy days of light and freedom are behind us, and now we gather ’round for a season of more serious celebrations — our yearly time to burrow in, reconnect, contemplate. and of course, lite the heater, man I just love the smell of burnt rust filling the home.
Nothing says change of season better than the smell of burnt rust, and of course, the sound of Christmas Music playing in the local stores.
Sarah Palin’s Alaskan paper has endorsed Obammer for President, how embarrassing is that? You cannot even muster up enough support in your home state for a vote of confidence. Fact of life, in medieval times, Europeans burned witches at the stake, and the families had to pay for the firewood. Now days we take them to Neiman Marcus in Dallas, spend a couple of hundred grand on them and elect them to office.
Eight more days and then all the serf’s can go down to register their protest and vote in the next king for the kingdom. It has deteriorated so badly we are now electing people who will not furnish proof of citizenship to the highest office in the land.
Don’t Vote For Anyone.
One stronghold of “common sense” has been located over the weekend. In Wisconsin. Madison, the state’s largest farm lobby won’t endorse anyone for president. The 42,000-member Wisconsin Farm Bureau Federation’s lobbyist, Paul Zimmerman, said the decision was based on members’ mixed reactions to its endorsement of George W. Bush in 2004 – the first time the group made such a move. Just when you were thoroughly convinced that the voting populace had lost their collective minds, a ray of hope appears on the horizon.
Monkey See Monkey Do.
The popularity of Joe The Plumber has finally been noticed by the Barack Obamma people and now they are going to put their own spin on it with, they are going to feature their own personalities in commercials, Joe The Mobster, Jeremiah The American Hating Preacher. Watch for it on a station near you. Fidel Castro has endorsed Obammer for President, afterwards Obammer just shrugged it off and said “that he was just some guy who lived in the neighborhood.” So much for the “Messiah News.” … The Second Return of JC. (Second Return of Jimmy Carter)
Getting Out The Vote.
Washington state sent 24,000 ballots to felons who were not allowed to vote, and apparently sent these same felons, invitations to Obammers inauguration as well. In a recent poll, McSame leads Obammer some 9% with people who display the American Flag. But on the same token, Obammer does lead McSame by people who burn the American flag. A group of lawyers has successfully blocked the release of the movie “Hanoi Hilton” until after the election. We surely do not want Hollywood trying to influence an election not in this day and age.
What’s Your Problem.
Best Buy evidently has put out a new logo which will accurately help to improve the company’s surly image. It is a picture of a teenager rolling his eyes and looking towards the ceiling when a customer asks him …. “Can you tell me where the DVD’s are?”
Cough it up
Panhandlers in an eastern Tennessee city (Chattanooga) pay fines and court costs at a low rate, with about 3% in the last 18 months. Apparently the street beggars in that city are somewhat reluctant to pay their fines. The Chattanooga Times Free Press reported Sunday Chattanooga City Court has collected only $279.75 of the $8,958.75 of the fines and court costs levied since the City Council expanded downtown’s no-panhandling zone in May 2007. The paper reported, there’s essentially nothing the city can do to force the payments or punish non-payers more severely.
Let’s see, your employer laid you off, your 401K vaporized, you lost your home and now you are living on the street, under an overpass, in a comfortable cardboard appliance carton, and all of your belongings are in a shoppin’ cart. How could they possibly punish you any more?
Getting Down In Florida
Key West Dressed in red, white and blue, drag queen Gina Maseratti walked down Southard Street in Key West asking Fantasy Fest revelers for their support: `Vote for Maseratti, your next president.” What’s her platform? ”High heels,” she said. `It’s all about the shoes.”
On a more serious note, Maseratti explained: `I’m a member of the Drag party: Drastic Reform of American Government. I’ll save you on money because I can be president, vice president and First Lady all in one.”
Do You Want A Bong With That? Rocky Mountain High.
A Lakewood couple found a small bag of marijuana in a bag of food picked up at the drive-in of a Del Taco Restaurant. Twenty-six-year-old Dennis Klermund, who police say waited on the husband who stopped at the restaurant Oct. 16, faces possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Steve Davis on Saturday said the couple called police after discovering the bag with their food order.
An officer said Klermund initially denied any knowledge but when a search dog found the drug in a locker, admitted the baggie was meant for a friend. Restaurant Ulises Montero said Klermund no longer works there. A message left for Klermund was not immediately returned.
The best for last.
Joe Scarborough, a commentator for MSNBC, failed to check his facts when he reported that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had advocated destroying the moon. Scarborough quoted Schwarzenegger as saying, “If we get rid of the moon, women … those menstrual cycles are governed by the moon … will not get PMS. They will stop whining.”
Scarborough then chided Schwarzenegger for insensitivity, saying: “I don’t know how it works in Austria, but let me tell you something, friend. Jokes about such matters are not laughing subjects to women in America.”
It turned out however, that the statement was not being made by Schwarzenegger but rather by an impersonator who appeared on the Howard Stern Radio Show. Eleven days later, Scarborough apologized to viewers for “my terrible mistake.” Anyone who relies on the Howard Stern show for information is an idiot; you would be better off sticking with Email.
I received this in an email the other day, it is quite interesting, I am not all that sure of the validity of it, so take it with a grain of salt. The writer of this essay is Jerry Molen, an Academy Award winning Hollywood Producer, who produced Jurassic Park, Hook, Rain Man and many more classy movies, and who won the Academy Award for Schindler’s List. Jerry is one of the very few conservatives in Hollywood but wants to include Democrats.
We are about to make the Mother-of-All-Mistakes, because the Republican Party gave us no reliable alternative. If the conservative movement does not rally behind the only alternative left to us, this country will become a true Socialist State within the next two Presidential terms.
Ladies and Gentleman, this is the most grave situation this nation has faced in my lifetime. We just experienced an over-hyped, outrageous primary election season that has left me wondering where the heads of our citizens are hiding must be someplace where the sun doesn’t go very often.
At one time in my life I was a determined, dedicated and ever-loyal, registered Democrat. Then something happened – Lyndon Baines Johnson – that turned my life around and gave me pause for the veracity of a party that lives and feeds off of the most unfortunate among us. Some of them are in their positions in life by their own choosing, others by outside circumstance. But always, always there was a door open to them, to reach for new heights, achieve new goals, change their lives for the better.
Similarly, there have always been the bottom feeders, doing what they could to take advantage of those who had not or have not seen better days, nor realized that they, in fact, were the masters of their own destiny; and these unfortunates had come to believe that they were dependent on people in Washington who would look out for and take care of them. They waited and still wait for all those promised freebies.
Most people don’t reflect upon the fact that the Democrats ruled Washington for over 40 years; it wasn’t until 1994 when the so-called Gingrich Revolution changed it, but only for a while.
These same people do not realize that it was the Democrats who created the failed policies of the entitlement programs that are now falling apart before our eyes. Do not think I find the Republicans blameless in all this. They, too, suffer from the ego and greed built into our system. But in the past few months I have listened with growing horror to the railings of the left, calling for yet more giveaways, more promises of a proverbial ‘free lunch’.
What sums up my feelings, why I am appalled by those in political power is contained within a quote by basketball legend and talk show host Charles Barkley: Poor people have been voting for Democrats for the last fifty years….and they are still poor.
Now, with our elections, come yet more new promises of change: change we can believe in, hope for the future. But if you really, I mean REALLY listen to what the new messiah is asking for, it is not change of policy or change for the better – this is a warning that he wants our change. And the change you will get will not be the change you expected or wanted.
I leave you my predictions of what will happen if the junior Senator from Illinois becomes President especially if the House and Senate are veto-proof Democrat:
1. Strict gun laws, though he promised he would not.
2. ‘In God We Trust ‘ will be removed from all currency.
3. He will renege on his pledge to Israel and leave them to the wolves of Islam.
4. Hillary Clinton will be named to the Supreme Court.
5. Tax rates will surge to the highest levels in 30 years.
6. Capital gains tax will be at least double current levels.
7. Retired Army General Wesley Clark will be named Secretary of Defense.
8. Your borders will be open to all comers especially from the Middle East and South America.
9. Amnesty will be granted to all illegals in the U.S, regardless of status or even gang membership (think MS-13).
10 . Our presence in Iraq will come to an abrupt end with tragic results though their citizens and devastating consequences to our military.
My predictions will not sit well with some people – the best we could hope for is that I am wrong. Any bets?
October 26, 2008
I am the head Honcho around here, I am the boss, you can just call me Mister … I am in charge, on top of it, and the final decider as Bush would say … And yes, I have my wife’s permission to say that.
October 25, 2008
Yesterday I was entering a convenience store and on the door they had posted a sign that read “Remove all masks before entering store.” I had never personally seen this type of sign before, I assume it was posted there in anticipation of weekend crowds that are on the way to Halloween Parties and as an added protection against crime.
So I walked in, picked up my copy of the Sunday paper (for the television guide) and approached the counter and the lady said, “You were supposed to have removed your mask before entering the store.” And I replied, “Yeah, very funny. You ought to be on Jay Leno. Give me my change.”
I was NOT wearing any kind of mask at the time.
Maybe she was having a bad hair day, broken up because of stress, perhaps just wanted to be plain ugly for something to do. Such has been my week. But that is another post altogether.
Some call it Halloween some call it “Devil Worship.” This time of the year isn’t my time of the year, every movie on television is filled with blood & gore, too much violence and ugliness in the world anyway, I surely do not feel like dressing up and celebrating all the evil in the world.
If I wanted to do that, I would run for public office.
Never really stopping to think about it, but I do not believe we have a “National Halloween Song” in this country either, someone ought to work on that. Barry Manilow comes readily to mind, but that is just a suggestion on my part, I am sure anyone could do it. We need something catchy, like those Christmas songs, that get in your head, and stay with you for like five weeks AFTER Christmas.
Wreck the halls and fences jolly, isn’t a Halloween a folly? Ring the doorbells, slash the tires, you don’t get any candy, beat them with a wire! Falla-lalla, lah, lah-lah laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
So what do you plan on being this Devils’ Day? What is your costume or character of choice this year. A rock Star, you could dress in any fashion that you wish, enlist all your friends to be your entourage and make them serve you, that has a certain appeal, don’t you think? When you get too tight from imbibing, you could let one flop out to tease everyone and call it wardrobe malfunction. Amuse your guests shock your husband. Perfectly acceptable in this day and age.
A time period costume would work, all you have to do is rummage thru your closet and find something from the 70’s,80’s or pre Ronald Reagan, that should do it. How about cross dresser, nice, but kind of dangerous in Oklahoma, some people here do not encourage or respect your new found perspective. I understand that in California the Governator calls them “Girly Boys.”
I always found the girls who came to the party as a “Hooker” were my cup of tea. Dolled up with a mini skirt, slinky top, fishnet stockings, pumps, tacky makeup, and you are ready for trick or treat. If you are lucky at the end of the night it is “treat.” (Insert old tired joke here for effect.)
Yeah I know kind of pathetic, what can I say. Might try something out of the news, Washington DC surely has been inspiring here lately. You could be a “Northern-Exposure-Moose-Gooser” or a … oh well, never mind.
Most likely you are like me (heaven forbid) you think you are too cool to dress up and play the fool. You’re not. So what are you trying to hide? Get out, and be somebody! You don’t have to go thru life as a boring, weak-kneed cretin with a lousy disposition; this is the one weekend of the month to shine.
Remember this is the time of the year … This is your time for you to rise from the spirit of the dead. Get off your lazy potato chip eating butt and get out there and find your inner ghoul!
If by chance, you cannot afford to rent a suitable costume because of the present economic crisis that is no problem. Just do as I do, go as your own evil twin …
Most likely no one will notice anyway.
“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)