Can you say “Lawn Mowing sucks” on the Internet? I guess you can, it is after all “my blog.”
A couple of days ago, I was just lying there in bed, minding my own business, staring up at the ceiling. I do that a lot in the morning, watch the numbers roll on the clock, listen to the ceiling fan rhythms, early in the morning.
And I was thinking about the possibility of painting my front lawn green, the money, time and energy I could save, by having a totally artificial painted green lawn. Using the best weather-beater Latex that Sear’s has to offer, I would either roll it on or paint it on.
A lawn that I did not have to water or pamper, or spend time with. Something like the relationship we have with our children.
Now it is time to go on record about something. Los Angeles and Seattle, who recently instituted a policy of using goats and sheep to take care of yard work, have the right idea. Let the animals eat the stuff, and save the planet, I am all for it.
Except for that lipstick part, that I find kind of revolting.
Having lived at this location for a good portion of my life, and figuring that I mowed the front and back lawns “one time per week” (a conservative average I would venture) I have mowed, trimmed, bagged, sacked and completed this chore approximately 1,768 times (twice that counting the backyard). So I am laying there and I am thinking about this.
Then SHE rolls over and touches me. Man I hate it when SHE does that. It always starts the cycle, y’know, that “thing that leads to problems” right after the alarm clock goes off.
You see, men and women are often different in the morning. The man wakes up grouchy and aroused in the morning. Believe it or not, we can actually do both at the same time. Rare fact of nature, part of the male species. We just cannot help ourselves.
We just wake up and we want you and if you don’t want us, well, we are just mad about it.
And the women are thinking, “how can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we cannot see you. We have no blood anywhere, near our optic nerve at that time of the morning. Trust me, scientific fact of life, no really.
So I get up out of my bed, not because it is no longer warm, not because it is uncomfortable, but because I know that it is too heavy to carry on my back all day long, and I have to separate from it some time. I walk to the scales and I weigh myself, “I am my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.” It is gonna be a swell day.
Good morning hon, she smiles THAT smile at me. Coffee, two sugars, no conversation.
Walking outside with my cup of fresh coffee, I spy my neighbor who is standing in his yard too. “Gonna rain today Don” and he smiles back at me. I pick up the paper and reply, “Yeah, just my luck, wouldn’t you know it? I just painted my lawn yesterday.”
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Wednesday In A Nutshell
Tags: cheap jounalism, commentators, Cyberspace, john mccain, Obamma, pundits, relocation, Sarrah Palin, U.K.
The wife and I would like to move there. Somewhere that is devoid of “political handlers” who feel they need to govern and control every damn aspect of my life.
The more I dig into all of this, the less I like it. Sarah Palin may not have known what the Bush Doctrine was, but we’re getting a pretty good idea of what the Palin Doctrine is. According to London‘s Daily Telegraph, the architects of the Palin Doctrine are a group of people who have been singularly wrong about virtually everything in the last decade — the neocons, who have been briefing Palin for weeks.
She’s perfect for the neocons: likable on the outside, a blank slate on the inside. They first fell in love with her in 2007, during a Weekly Standard-sponsored cruise. So nice to meet you, Governor. And don’t forget, Mai Tais and preemptive invasions on the Lido Deck at four!
Click here to read more.
More collateral damage: Today, McCain economic adviser Carly Fiorina bluntly stated that neither John McCain nor Sarah Palin were capable of running a major corporation (she said the same of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden). A top campaign adviser said Fiorina will be punished for her candid sentiments:
Don’t rattle the bars of the beast, it is not healthy.
“Carly will now disappear,” this source said. “Senator McCain was furious.” Asked to define “disappear,” this source said, adding that she would be off TV for a while – but remain at the Republican National Committee and keep her role as head of the party’s joint fundraising committee with the McCain campaign. Fiorina was booked for several TV interviews over the next few days, including one on CNN.
Those interviews have been canceled.
McSame says the economy is basically sound and there isn’t much to be concerned about. One more domino fell yesterday, and Wall Street Companies continue to fold like a cheap suits. Should the average person do anything differently in light of what’s happening on Wall Street right now? Should they try to pay off their credit cards now? Should they pull money out of stocks, put them into bonds? Should our day-to-day activities change?”
Well, I think you should pray a lot more.
Wednesday, Obammer the pessimist sees only the dark side of the cloud, and mopes; Soccer Mom a philospher sees both sides, shrugs; and McSame doesn’t see the clouds at all … He is too busy walking on them. Here it is, almost two weeks into the fray, and we are still grousing about lipstick and farm animals.
Yesterday I paid $83 for a tank of gasoline and it was ON SALE.
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On the eve of our impending anniversary of six months of this particular written insanity (tomorrow is the anniversary for Creative Endeavors) we make this pledge. We will somehow endure when all of what we hold so dear is crumbling about us. Please take solace that we will continue our search to do nothing about anything, any time soon.
We are just like them … Except we don’t hold conventions.
Also, we pledge that we will never at any time soon or in the distant future, notify you that this site will be updated. It is our policy to never purge erroneous information that you just happen to like or seek out on a daily basis. We will instead give you even more inane tripe about good relations with your neighbors, the Republican/Democratic parties, with glaring misspellings or broken links when we feel like it. No part of our new site will ever contain “the latest news” about anything. Not even this pledge will be updated.
We cross our hearts and hope to die.
Change is about the only constant in the Universe. So, that being the case, we here at the new Information Capital of the Free World, felt it important for you to have a place where you could go to find exactly what you to expect to find – the same each, and everyday. No fancy databases or stock tickers, no bells and whistles,. Just our latest version of neglect on a profound scale and of course, “our sampling of the news” for you to consume.
So, bookmark this page. (Use the Ctrl+D key or something like that) and if conditions ever change, rest assured, we will not bother you with any kind of update. Visit this site often. No, not for updates. But rather, for a sense of safety and familiarity, and when you least expect it.
Wham! It will be much different.
No real news. But you can receive a semi literate Ann Landers-Paul Harvey-God Forbid-Geraldo style of journalism, or some other half-baked nitwit to help you thru your day. And it is all free … You simply cannot get a better deal that that.
Wednesday in a nut-shell.
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