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July 9, 2008

Ask A Kid II

Filed under: Oklahoma,random,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 5:00 pm
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Awhile back I posted a piece that was entitled Ask A Kid and it was rather popular, so here is another one that I have gleaned or gnanked from Email.

The inclusive story of the Bible –The 12 Opossums

At the end of each year, junior church members are given pencils and paper and asked to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you’re a little foggy on your Biblical history, let our junior church students help you with their complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one, but “I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I’m not sure what  they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy; but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph, who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Hesston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh, after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (The Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door, was you born in a barn?”)

It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.   Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.   He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand it, the whole Bible, I mean. Don’t you?

000

RELATED: ASK A KID


Creme De Crude …

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: “Regardless of the vibe you think you’re getting from your dentist, you should never, ever, lick her finger.”

Arizona: Officers dispatched to what they thought was a domestic disturbance Monday night discovered a lone Mesa man fighting with himself. Though the original call reported a verbal argument between a man and a woman, police said they found the 21-year-old man arguing with himself, changing the pitch of his voice as he acted out each part.

The man was also destroying the inside of the apartment, officers said. He broke the front window as officers tried to calm him down and coax him out of the home, according to authorities.

Now let’s see. If you are crazy, they take you off to someplace like this guy, and shut you in a room by yourself. If you write a blog, you go off, shut yourself in a room by yourself and write. Hmmmm … Kind of like people who write in blogs everyday.

Denver, Colorado – Good news and bad news. First the good news, if you win over $1200 at anything, they are going to check to see if you are behind of child support or other pressing items, and divert the winnings to the mother and the kids that need it. This is great. Some help for all those girls struggling to make it on their own these days. It only took “five attempts” to pass this legislation, that is kind of sad isn’t it.

You cannot exercise your right to Free Speech at the Convention in Denver, they are going to erect a fence to keep you out. That kind of sucks huh? Getting where all this “I live in America, I can say what I want about anything” is no longer applicable. By the way, it was a ruling from a “Federal Court” that paved the way for this.

In a related item, half way around the world.

SYDNEY, AustraliaNew regulations making it a crime to annoy or inconvenience people gathering in Sydney during Pope Benedict XVI’s visit later this month were criticized Tuesday as a heavy-handed blow to free speech.

The laws will apply in dozens of areas of downtown Sydney — including the city’s landmark opera house, train stations and city parks — that are designated venues for World Youth Day, a Catholic evangelical festival at which the pontiff will conduct mass and lead prayer meetings.

The regulations give police and emergency services workers power to order anyone to stop behavior that “causes annoyance or inconvenience to participants in a World Youth Day event,” according to a New South Wales state government gazette. Anyone who does not comply faces a 5,500 Australian dollar (US$5,300) fine.

It costs big bucks down under to tell some to “piss off.”

Two young ladies (much too young to drive) in Salt Lake City are protesting the high price of gasoline. Their mother had to cut cable TV in order to purchase high priced gas and they are incensed at the idea of losing their cartoons and favorite shows. So they took some old political signs and lettered ‘em up and are walking the streets in Salt Lake protesting.

Sad note, when children have to show the adults what needs to be done.

California’s administration of the death penalty is “close to collapse” and would require massive new state spending or changes in sentencing laws to end decades of delay and dysfunction, a state commission reported Monday. The average death row stay is now 20 years with appeals. Here in Oklahoma, we have a guard dress up in a clown suit, run thru the door and hit them in the face with a poison pie. Not very cool, but it saves a lot of money!

Where is the happiest place in the world to live?  Denmark, with its democracy, social equality and peaceful atmosphere, is the happiest country in the world, researchers said on Monday. Zimbabwe, torn by political and social strife, is the least happy, while the world’s richest nation, the United States, ranks 16th.

Overall, the world is getting happier, according to the U.S. government-funded World Values Survey, done regularly by a global network of social scientists. It found increased happiness from 1981 to 2007 in 45 of 52 countries analyzed.

They allow you to smoke pot in Denmark or is that Norway?

Speaking of pot (nice blend huh) California is trying to place an initiative on the ballot to legalize smoke (pot). Best get your investment portfolio updated to include Doritos’s and Hostess Cup Cakes. This thing passes and the sales of “Munchies” are going to go thru the roof.

The New West Coast Gold Rush.

And last but not least. Sioux Falls, South Dakota was picked as the safest city in the U.S. to drive. It won out over other cities “who were not included in the survey” (I am not making this up). When our mayor was informed of this development he was overheard saying to his staff ……. “Hey? Sioux Falls, South Dakota, has cars!”

Now go shut yourself in a room and write something funny for me to read. There isn’t a dog-gone thing on U-Tube today.

000

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