Ran into a guy the other day, I had not seen this guy in about 12-15 years. One of those miserable, insufferable types that you don’t want to run into, a person you want to avoid, but somehow just cannot avoid. He looks at me and says, “Good Lord, you are as big as a barn!” I just smiled and said, “I am overweight, I can diet. You on the other hand, are stupid, what you gonna do.” I don’t need the offspring of second cousins from Alabama, telling me I am outta shape; I see it in the mirror each and every cotton-pickin’ day.
There have been times that the wife and I, have amused ourselves about this metabolically challenged period of life we are living in. I would say, “I used to eat like a horse … Now I look like one.” … Or … “I know why I am overweight, my body and my fat, have become friends.” … Or … What did the doctor say? and I would reply, “He said I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.”
Stuff like that.
There was a time when I actually thought about doing something about it, but when your favorite health club is the International House Of Pancakes, it is kind of hopeless. I am a realist, I don’t going around saying “I am trying hard to get back to my original weight.” It isn’t going to happen, I asked my mother and she said “it was around 8 lbs 3 ounces as best as I can remember.”
They even have a song in the Baptist Hymnal about it: “When them rolls are passed out up yonder, I will be there.” or something like that, I forget.
So we all keep shoving the groceries down our neck and talk about it. I don’t know why everybody talks about losing weight. This an ill-conceived phrase. Fat people never lose weight. They always KNOW right where it is. And they always say, “I am dropping a few pounds.” Yeah? I see where you dropped them to; they’re right there just above your knees!
In my case I knew I was out of control when Cup Cake said, “Lookie here, I can pinch an inch.” And she was pinching my forehead!
My problems began when I quit smoking; food started tasting a lot better. It also was my apparent downfall, I gained a lot of weight, over 30 lbs. to be specific and I am carrying it with me every day. So I made an attempt at changing:
- I quit cheating at cards.
- I quit cussing.
- I quit drinking.
- I quit smoking.
- Trifling with other peoples’ women.
Man, that was the worst twenty minutes of my life.
(Seriously, uh huh sure.) So I kind of figured that there ought to be something left in life for me. Food. But it turns out that even that is not exactly right. Did you know that by the time you turn twenty years of age your body has essentially settled on the number of fat cells you are going to have for the rest of your life?
Yes, it is true.
A recent study in Sweden has confirmed this. Researchers took samples of fat cells from volunteers over the course of several years; they discovered that no matter how much the subjects’ weights changed, their number of fat cells remained the same. So your fat cells grow and shrink in your body, but they remain the same. You are actually “friends with your fat.”
Isn’t that repulsive.
All the carrot sticks and rice cakes in the world are not going to change a thing. All those fat cells in your body are going nowhere; they just shrink in size and nothing more. During your life you will eat sixty thousand pounds of food, the weight of about six elephants. The average American chews 190 sticks of gum, drinks about 600 sodas and 800 gallons of water, eats 135 pounds of sugar and 19 pounds of cereal a year. The largest consumer of sugar and corn syrup in the world is no other than Coca Cola. The biggest selling restaurant item in the U.S. is French Fries. They estimate that in this country every day, we consume about 200 million M&M’s.
The amount of potato chips Americans eat each year weighs six times more than the Titanic. A can of SPAM is opened in this country about every four seconds. Americans on average eat eighteen acres of pizza every day and Saturday night is the biggest day of the week for that staple. Dunkin’ Donuts serves about 112,500 donuts per day, more popcorn is sold in Dallas than anywhere else in the United States.
Two million different combinations of sandwiches can be created from a Subway Menu.
We as a society of people eat a lot of garbage that is why the majority of us, are scratching parts of our bodies we have not seen in five years. This is why when you step onto the computerized talking scale your thoughtful wife gave you on Father’s Day last year it says …….. “Please come back when you are alone.”
Now if you will excuse me, I am gonna go get me a Twinkie, me and “my friends” are hungry.
It’s not easy being a Baby Boomer.
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